???: Is it on? Is it on? Is the camera fucking on or not? Jesus Christ, how much does Mr. Jones pay you people?
???: Seriously, do you think he’s actually my dad or are you just fucking with me?
???: IS THE CAMERA ON?!
(The lens cap of the camera is taken off to reveal Drake Jaeger - dressed in his old “The Terminator” outfit complete with black boots, black tights, black pads, black trench coat, black, sunglasses, and even black in his hair - standing next to Tiberius Jones - dressed up as Favaro Leone from the anime “Rage of Bahamut [Weeb translation: Shingeki no Bahamut]”. They’re both shown standing in what appears to be a parking lot filled with cars)
Drake Jaeger: Are we rolling? Should we pose or something?
Tiberius Jones: No need, Drake, these people know exactly what’s up. They know who we are - hell, to most of them at home, we’ve been like family to them. You think they spend their days going out and getting laid or having any kind of a life whatsoever? No way, man, they’re glued to their TVs and their iPads and they’re… I don’t know, Amazon Firesticks. The point is, we’re all they’ve got, so obviously when they see us standing here, ESPECIALLY in this #throwback look, they know better than anyone.
Drake Jaeger: You’re absolutely right, TJ. What was I thinking? We’re like comfort food to these people. Well, not their usual greasy, artery-clogging comfort food that they’re used to. No, we’re more like the absolute shredded, wildly successful, superior comfort food that they know they need in their life to know that things are okay. And they DO need us, TJ, do you know why that is?
Tiberius Jones: Tell em, Drake.
Drake Jaeger: Because right now, the entire world is facing a global threat! A threat to everything we know and have ever believed in! It feels like just yesterday that we lived our lives care free of any consequences, but now we stand here and see the impact made by one of the most dangerous threats to not just you or me, but to everyone.
Tiberius Jones: Teddy Mac and Jungle Jaguar being the reigning Campeonatos de Parejas.
Drake Jaeger: That’s right, and I’m not gonna lie, I threw up a little in my mouth as soon as you said that, but it’s alright. I don’t blame you for throwing it out there. Nobody wants to come to terms with this pandemic of these two dipshits parading around like they actually won something. No, no, no, NO! NO! Not on my watch!
Tiberius Jones: Exactly, and that’s why the world needs Drake & Jones right now, more than ever before. While entire countries overlook this threat to the way we all live, you can count on us to do something about it. That’s why we’ve momentarily left Wrestleworld and come all the way out here to Bumfuck, nowhere. Wherever this city is in Alabama. That’s why we’ve gone out of our way to #throwback with this clothing that you’ve all come to know, love, respect, and worship.
Drake Jaeger: And not just that! No, no - we came all the way for one big reason! How do you combat a threat like Teddy Mac and Jungle Jaguar? How do you do it? Just trying to fathom what these two men are gives me a migraine, but I’ve learned over my years in this business that if you want to stop a threat, you need to think like that threat. You need to FEEL like that threat. You need to climb into its skin and know what it’s like!
Tiberius Jones: Wait, are we about to kill and skin a literal bear and jaguar and wear their skin? Because that sounds badass.
Drake Jaeger: … Well, no, but shit, now I wish I would have thought of that… Someone make a note of that and we’ll use it next time.
Tiberius Jones: No need, Drake, I got you covered.
(Tiberius smugly shows off the Apple Watch on his wrist before putting it closer to his mouth)
Tiberius Jones: SIRI, make a note that next time we will get a literal Bear and Jaguar to--
SIRI: I’m sorry, I didn’t quite get that.
Tiberius Jones: SIRI, make a note that next time for Teddy Mac and Jungle--
SIRI: I’m sorry, I didn’t quite get that.
Tiberius Jones: Well let me finish and you might get it, bitch! SIRI, NEXT TIME WE NEED A BEAR--
SIRI: Searching local Bears near you. First download the Grindr app before--
Tiberius Jones: You know what, forget it. I’ll just make a mental note of it.
Drake Jaeger: Smart. Smart, I like it. That’s what it’s all about. See we don’t need technology bullshit. I’m not gonna CALL someone or TEXT someone or ZOOM someone. Everyone has been cooped up in their homes for so long, because they’re COWARDS. They’re SCARED to socialize anymore! They act like they’ll get sick if they go out into the world and speak face to face with others! They’re too fixated with their precious technology, but we’ve found a place that fits all of our needs. We’re here in Alabama at a very special convention that’s going to take us face to face with others, but more importantly, it’s going to take us into the mind of Teddy Mac and Jungle Jaguar. We’re out here at a very special convention that began only last year. They call it the “Cosplay Video 19” convention and let me tell you something, COVID ‘19 is going to be the next big thing. So without further adieu, let’s head on in!
(The camera cuts to Drake Jaeger - now wearing a Drake Jaeger mask - and Tiberius Jones - now wearing a Favaro mask - as they’re shown wandering through wandering through COVID ‘19)
Drake Jaeger: Alright, we’re making our way through the convention now. We were told to wear masks, and luckily we had some on standby, though I don’t get why we had to wear them, it’s not even Halloween yet. Whatever the case, we’re looking to really get an in-depth look into the psyche of Teddy and Jag. Now some of our fans at home might be wondering why we would go this far to get a look into their minds, especially when nobody would ever want to know what the hell is going through the minds of those dumbasses, but let me tell you, it’s very effective. TJ and I are very dedicated to our craft. We’ve been in the Tag Team business for a long time, and we know how to get the job done.
Tiberius Jones: Exactly, unlike this glorified makeshift team that should be competing in a Ladder Match for the Hybrid Titles and not wasting OUR time.
Drake Jaeger: You couldn’t be more right, TJ. You see, we take our Tag Team rasslin’ very seriously. Do you know how many “tag teams” we’ve crossed over the years and destroyed? Ever heard of The Iconomy? Ever heard of Stand & Deliver? No? Of course you haven’t, because they were teams that didn’t know that they didn’t belong in our world, and we have since wiped them off the face of the fucking planet. They may as well be dead. Whatever even happened to The Pizza Boy?
Tiberius Jones: With his physique, lack of talent, and that shady manager, I put my money on him doing gay porn somewhere in California by now like every other twink that thinks they can be a wrestler.
Drake Jaeger: Absolutely, and you know what? Good for him! I’m sure he’s doing a great job at it! I’m sure all of them are doing very nice for themselves and having a wonderful life. Maybe they got married and had some kids that will also grow up to be failures and end up just like their failure parents in an endless cycle of failure. But hey, I don’t judge! I’m a very non-judgmental guy. You can go ahead and do whatever the fuck you want, so long as it’s far, far away from Tag Team wrestling. This is OUR domain, and if you want to prance around pretending you belong, then you’re gonna get weeded out just like the others. At the rate things are going, TJ and I are gonna be RIGHT fucking back here at COVID ‘19, having to explain to two other idiots how the world works and giving The Bear and Jag Connection as an example. Yet, that’ll be pointless too, won’t it? Because years from now, nobody is gonna know who the hell Teddy Mac or Jungle Jaguar are. They’ll be long gone silver, wasting away in some piss poor bingo hall company for chump change. Or maybe they’ll get a fucking clue for once in their lives, Teddy can go back to being Nobi’s imaginary friend and Jaguar can go get poached pretending to be a literal jaguar.
(A nearby cosplayer rushes up to Drake)
Cosplayer: Oh my god, I LOVE your look! Who are you supposed to be?
Tiberius Jones: How do you not know who he is?
Cosplayer: Who’s he cosplaying as?
Drake Jaeger: I’m Kenny Omega.
Cosplayer: Oh, nice! Great look!
(Drake and Tiberius continue on as Tiberius looks confused)
Tiberius Jones: Who the hell is that?
Drake Jaeger: I don’t know, I just made it up and it worked.
(Drake shrugs as Tiberius seems to accept that and they continue on until Tiberius notices something)
Tiberius Jones: Shit, my shoe’s untied. One sec.
(Tiberius kneels down for a moment to tie his shoe. After a moment he gets back up as he and Drake notice several people staring at them with hostile expressions on their faces)
Tiberius Jones: What are they looking at? Ohhh right, I’m black and this is still Alabama…
Drake Jaeger: Don’t worry everyone, he wasn’t kneeling! He was tying his shoe! He’s with me!
(Everyone staring backs off as Drake and Tiberius continue on)
Drake Jaeger: That was a close one.
Tiberius Jones: So what exactly are we here for again?
(Drake puts an arm out to stop Tiberius with him as Drake’s face lights up)
Drake Jaeger: We’ve found it.
Tiberius Jones: Ohhh, I see it now! The resemblance is uncanny!
Drake Jaeger: I know. It’s perfect. How do you get into the minds of people like Teddy Mac and Jungle Jaguar? How do you truly know what they’re thinking? You must go to a place where you can find their kind! And here they are!
(The camera shows a guy in a fursuit resembling a jaguar next to a fat man with bad facial hair standing next to each other)
Drake Jaeger: I knew this convention wouldn’t fail us!
Tiberius Jones: They’re perfect!
Drake Jaeger: These are borderline exact copies of Teddy and Jag! See, I knew some furry and some virgin geek don’t just randomly team up! I Goddamn knew it! This place is like a factory that churns them out! Clearly they made some sort of mistake and spewed out two that went on to believe they had ANY business trying to be wrestlers! These two motherfuckers look so similar to them that I’d be convinced this is like their Tethered and these two have just been two walking cancers living out their days at shitty conventions while the other two taste success and live a nice life! Well that’s not gonna happen anymore! No more! THIS is clearly where Teddy and Jag belong, so you know what? I think it’s about time we sent them back. I think they’ve kept this charade going for long enough. Any dipshit can climb a Ladder and pull down Titles. You know how they won? It wasn’t some miracle. They didn’t put their “incredible” talents together to pull off the upset of the year! They were practically handed those Championships on a silver platter presented to them by us when we made that match and put those opponents up against them who all proceeded to self-destruct and LET that shit happen! Well guess what! Lightning doesn’t strike twice! Congratulations, boys! You won the fucking lottery! One in a million! Your luck was boundless on the night of Dreamworld!
(Drake and Tiberius step up to the fat man and the man in the fursuit as they don’t move)
Drake Jaeger: But listen, guys… Luck runs out. Lottery tickets don’t mean anything if you die the next day. Lightning is more likely to fry your ass than help you out. You’re an anomaly. You’re something that shouldn’t have happened. Like a glitch in the matrix. You shouldn’t be sitting on that throne, but you are. So I want you to soak it in. Go ahead, soak up all the adoration from the people who’ve been nonstop cheering and clapping for this beautiful little story you’ve managed to make. Dreams DO come true! That’s right! But you know what’s even more of a fact? Dreams come to an end. You’re gonna wake up and face reality and know that it should have never been you. You’re placeholders for us to take back OUR Campeonatos de Parejas. I’m sure you and your story will live on in the hearts of all your fans. They’ll talk about it for generations to come! They’ll talk about the brief moment in history that The Bear and Jag Connection were on top! Fleeting as it was, they pulled it off and won the big won! They’ll talk about it and talk about it and talk about it and talk about it… And it’ll feel more vague to them with every telling. Until one day, they won’t talk about it. One day, “Teddy Mac” and “Jungle Jaguar” will be uttered for the very last time. They’ll forget you and your entire existence, let alone what you did here in this company. All they’ll remember is the day Drake & Jones took back the Campeonatos de Parejas. Everything else is trivial. But hey! I’m not an idiot, alright? I know words aren’t getting through to the two of you! You’re gonna need more than words, aren’t you? So let’s go ahead and give them what they need to know better, TJ! Cameraman… Turn off the camera.
(Tiberius and Drake start beating up the fat man and the man in the fursuit)
Drake Jaeger: Is the camera off?! Turn the camera off! I literally just told you to turn it off!
(Drake and Tiberius continue to beat up the two men that are now on the ground as Drake looks back)
Drake Jaeger: IS THE CAMERA STILL ON?! I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU DON’T--
Sat Dec 03, 2022 4:36 pm by 
Subject: Welcome to the Jungle (And Forest?) 
