(The camera opens on a dark room just as a door swings open, pouring light into the darkness. Standing in the doorway, Mallory Montana looks around the darkness with a microphone in hand and a disconcerted look on her face.)
Mallory Montana: H-Hello? I was told to meet the Hybrid Tag Team Champio-
(The blaring BWAMP! of the Match Game theme cuts Mallory off mid-sentence and nearly sends her jumping out of her skin as the lights come up to reveal a two tier platform with giant tanks on each tier.)
Announcer: Get ready to match the starfish....
(The camera cuts to the top row of the platform and zeroes in on a baby whale floating in the tank.)
Announcer: Marcia Whale-as
(The camera cuts left to reveal a barely deflated pair of water wings floating on the surface of the water.)
Announcer: Brett Swimmies!
(The camera once again cuts left, this time zooming in on a mollusk clutching the side of the tank with what looks to be a tiny toupee on it's head.)
Announcer: Charles Snailson Reilly!
(The camera cuts down to the bottom tier tank, where Senor Pinchy stands in the ankle deep, but slowly rising, water.)
Announcer: Senor Pinchy!
Senor Pinchy: Hola!
(The camera backs up as giant white wings begin to flutter next to Senor Pinchy. Pinchy guards himself from a very irritated looking water foul as it pecks at him angrily.)
Announcer: Richard DawSwan
Senor Pinchy: Get this pollo loco away from me!
(A light banging is heard and the camera pans over from the swan-crab showdown, to reveal a very concerned looking Betty White standing knee deep in rising water.)
Announcer: And Betty Whitefish!
Betty White: Help! Some crazy crab man locked me in a tank and wont let me g-
Announcer: I'm your announcer Johnny Oyster, and this is...Match Tank, Seven-Sea Seven!
(The hushed cries of Betty White are drowned out by the trumpeting theme song of Match Game as a canned crowd claps and cheers enthusiastically.)
Johnny Oyster: And now, here is your host...Gene Manta-Rayburn!
(The spotlight falls on a desperately confused Mallory Montana as she takes in the nightmare scene before her and shouts over the blaring Match Game theme song.)
Mallory Montana: STOP! STOP! Pinchy, what is all of this!
(The theme song record audibly scratches, leaving the makeshift studio in awkward silence, save the rushing water filling the bottom podium's tank. Senor Pinchy scratches the back of his head awkwardly with his 'claw' as he considers Mallory's question.)
Senor Pinchy: Ehhh...Perdoname. Senorita Whitefish, would j'ou mind holding Senor DawSwan while I get out of this tank? I think he may have had too much of the tequila before de show...ehhh...or maybe just de worm.
Betty White: As long as you promise to cut the water off.
Senor Pinchy: Ah, si, si, si. I did not take into account that j'ou are not real whitefish. Yimmy Oyster! Cut the agua, pronto.
(Betty scoops up the swan, calming it immediately with her immortal PETA powers of persuasion. Pinchy grabs the lip of the tank and slingshots himself over, landing in a roll on the floor and kipping up to his feet in front of Mallory Montana. Mallory takes in her surroundings with growing perplexity and concern.)
Mallory Montana: Pinchy, why did you lock Betty White in a "Saw" contraption?
Senor Pinchy: I was setting up a game of Match Tank por mi pareja Saria. Apparently she didn't get de text from my shell phone earlier because she ehhh...no showed up.
Mallory Montana: That's very sweet of you, Pinchy. Or well...at least the thought was nice.
Senor Pinchy: Si si, we seemed to have gotten off to a rough start, j'ou know? I do not know if she cares for me as pareja, but it was absolutamente her choice to grab the second campeonato.
Mallory Montana: Yeah, I got the vibe that not many people were eager to be Hybrid Tag Champion with you, Pinchy. You kind of rub people the wrong way.
Senor Pinchy: No rub, pellizco: I a'PINCH!
Mallory Montana: Right, right, I get that, but maybe consider showing a nicer side? Saria's a nice girl. She's tough, but she's also nice.
Senor Pinchy: What do j'ou t'ink dis is!?! I made a giant game show set for her because I know she like'a the game shows. I try getting other Match Game starfish, but apparently they're all muerta...perdoname, except for the lovely and muy affable Betty Whitefish.
(The camera cuts to Betty holding the swan, nervously looking down at her waist as the water continues rising.)
Betty White: Turn off the fucking water, you chowder head!
Senor Pinchy: Lo siento, very sorry. Jimmy! Cut the agua already, pendejo!
(The creaking of a valve is heard off camera and the water stops running. Pinchy glances to Mallory, giving a thumbs up. Mallory shrugs uncomfortably. Pinchy turns to Betty, giving her the thumbs up as well, only to get a middle finger in response.)
Senor Pinchy: HAHA! Senorita Blanco es holding dos birds!
Mallory Montana: Pinchy, if I can't get an interview with you and your partner, how about talking to me about your opponent for this upcoming show, Jensen Lane?
Senor Pinchy: Finsen? She seems muy distraida by past traumas in her life. She was picked on in school. This may surprise j'ou, but when he was tiny mollusk, Pinchy was also picked on in school.
Mallory Montana: No kidding...
Senor Pinchy: No, muy serio! The other fish in my school would mock me and steal my shell, leaving me naked with nowhere to go home to after school ended for the day. I had to slum it and slip into any old trash I could find on the sea floor. Mtn. Dew cans, Styrofoam hamburger containers, a Little Mermaid VHS clam shell.
Mallory Montana: That's horrible.
Betty White: People should stop littering in the ocean, it'll kill the barrier reef!
Senor Pinchy: SILENCIO BETTY BLANCO!...Regardless to say, it became very tough for me to come out of my shell. Was always a'scared of someone stealing it. It made gym class muy dificil.
Mallory Montana: I bet.
Senor Pinchy: So I know where Finsen Lane es coming from. I get her desire to dominate her competencia. In a lot of ways, maybe her and Pinchy would get along better than ballet bruja Saria.
Mallory Montana: Pinchy! You don't mean that.
Senor Pinchy: A'maybes I do and a'maybes I do not so much. Who knows? Only Pinchy knows. J'ou would be only guessing.
Mallory Montana: Interesting stuff, but coming up at Dominio-
Senor Pinchy: DOMINION!
Mallory Montana: Ah!...uh, yes, 'DOMINION'...
Senor Pinchy: Si, j'es, is a'pronounced 'DOMINION'.
Mallory Montana: Right, so at...the show...you will be wrestling against Jensen Lane, not tagging with her. What are your thoughts on her as an opponent?
Senor Pinchy: Ehhhh...She could be better, j'ou know? Her win-loss record es no bueno. That doesn't mean she as bad at the lucha, just that she hasn't found her e'style. She needs to mold that agresion into a constructive and dangerous ring psychology, or something.
Mallory Montana: Wow, that's surprisingly serious insight from you Pinchy.
Senor Pinchy: I am campeonato now, I cannot dilly-dally, absolutamente no! Gone are de days of not taking Senor Pinchy seriamente. I am very serious. If that ladder match did not prove to you that I'm a threat on DOMINION, then j'ou are muy tonta; very foolish. I have come with the mission statement of taking over DOMINION and raising the crab riots into a revolucion! I have not lost sight of that goal just because a little success and oro came my way. If Finsen Lane thinks just because I am charming, a'funny, e muy guapo, that I am not ready to get my claws dirty then she's got another thing coming! We have a lot in common, nina, but the one thing I have that j'ou don't is the legitimacy of gold around mi thorax. No tengo nada para demostrar: I have nothing to prove. J'ou, on the other hand? J'ou haven't overcome those childhood demonios long enough to even get on my sea level! In dis oceano of talent, I am riding the high tide to greatness, while j'ou are still bottom feeding just to get by. While j'ou are always being the la sirena: the mermaid, I am being de bride! Nada will change once we go mano e garra. I will be victorioso and j'ou will be perdedora.
Mallory Montana: Will Saria be at ringside for your match?
Senor Pinchy: No importa: Does not matter. She strikes me as the type of senorita who doesn't like getting involved when it's not her business, and we will have to work on that, but it's not like I need help putting away Finsen. She may have blossomed in her twenties from being an ugly duckling to becoming a black swan of hatred, but it won't save her from getting da piiiiiiinch! She's swimming up from the dark deep down of the oceano and looking to leave rock bottom, but if I have my way I'll send her off con un Bikini Bottom. Comprehende?
Mallory Montana: Understood.
Senor Pinchy: Well, we better clear out before the janitor comes back. I promised to pay him manana for an hour esta noche. It looks like mi pareja isn't showing up either, so may as well hit the lights and start scuttling toward the next town.
Mallory Montana: What about all of this mess?
Senor Pinchy: He is janitor, is his job to clean up messes. It would be irrespetuoso to do his job for him in his own closet.
Mallory Montana: Whatever, this place gives me the creeps. I'll happily get to gettin' while the gettin's good.
Senor Pinchy: Si, and the 'gettin' ' es muy bueno.
(Pinchy and Mallory head toward the door, hit the lights, exit, and audibly lock up shop behind him. Within the darkness, a honk can be heard, and then the aggravated groan of octogenarian actress and american sweetheart Betty White.)
Betty White: Hello...? Would someone get me out of this thing? My Depends are swelling and it's not because of me!...damnit, remind me to fire my agent when we get out of here, Richard.
Richard DawSwan: HJONK!
Betty White: Don't get fresh with me, DawSwan. I smell the Grey Goose on your breath!
(As Betty sighs regretfully somewhere in the darkness, the camera fades to complete black.)
Sat Dec 03, 2022 4:36 pm by 
Subject: Drawing A Blank (Senor Pinchy Promo Uno) 
