Our scene starts in a radio studio in the heart of the Wrestleworld capital. A DJ walks into the studio and picks up the microphone, ready to start working.
DJ: Hmm where's my coffee….oh, we're on the air? Shit. Well, that's not PG. Should I just...start over? Yeah. Let's start over. But someone go get my coffee. Anyways…we are live in the Wrestleworld capital, ready for a new day! I'm your host, Pat, and we've got some good stuff for you this morning! First off, your morning news! Ozymandias has gone missing after his dramatic return during the previous chapter! I wonder where he could be? Hopefully not at my house. Alice Gamer and Jimmy Johnson with a hybrid title shot! Can they bring home the belts? My money's on Alice. She has cheat codes! Nobi turns evil? I never would've thought. He's still good in my book! But I just read off the cue cards. This is journalism nowadays! Sure, he might've been a little mean. But he was just having a bad day. Everyone gets moody sometimes. The European championship stolen? Really? Wow. Someone just walked in and took it. You would think there'd be better security around here! Maybe even an old security guard with a nightstick. Nothing wrong with a good old beating to stop crime!
He stops talking for a little bit to stare at his producer who looks angry.
Pat: Well...moving on from threats of violence, we have a special guest today! I don't know how he got here since it wasn't on the schedule. But he's here! And he's taking calls! Please welcome TJ Thompson!
TJ Thompson walks into the studio and struggles to put on a headset. He finally gets it on and screams into the mic.
TJ: Woo, I didn't have to break in this time! WHAT'S UP BIG HIPPERS! It's your favourite wrestler in the history of wrestling blessing your ears on the airways! Or whatever this thing is called. Magic radio network. Now you know why I’m here!
Pat: Well...no, why are you here? I actually have some questions to ask you-
TJ: FUCK THE QUESTIONS!!!
Pat: You can’t say that on the radio! We’ll lose all our sponsors!
TJ: YOU SHOULD KNOW WHY I’M HERE, THEN! DO YOU EVEN WATCH DOMINION?!?!?
Pat: Well...not every week, I’m a busy guy!
TJ: Shame! I would think that everyone in Wrestleworld knows that I’m in need of a tag partner! To beat up Pinchy with...I mean win the hybrid tag belts! I could probably do it alone. But I’m not allowed to do it alone! Damn rules and regulations. So who’s the lucky guy! Who gets to team with the goat? That’s what we’re here to do today! Find me a tag partner!
Pat: But...I’m the host here! Whatever. As long as I’m getting paid for this!
TJ: This is why you work at a radio station. Shame. But anyway, we’re talking to the listeners! Call in! I desperately need a tag partner, so apply now! Right now. Really. I’m sitting here waiting for people to call in!
Pat: But why haven’t you asked anyone actually on the roster? I’m sure you can find someone there, right?
TJ: Well...I don’t wanna talk about it. People don’t know greatness when they see it!
The scene switches to a flashback of TJ getting the door slammed on him by various members of the roster before coming back to the present.
TJ: The audacity of some people! But people who listen to the radio know better, right? All ten of them...fine. Eleven! I’m being generous here. So step up! Tag with the goat! Take revenge on Pinchy! Get a free belt! Be in my presence! What’s not there to want?
The phone rings and TJ quickly picks it up.
Caller #1: I have no idea who you are, but I have wrestling dreams! I could be a good tag partner for you! I’m smart, strong, athletic, and unemployed! All traits of a great wrestler. We could win the hybrid belts together!
TJ: Hmm, enticing offer. All traits that I don’t have, but that doesn’t matter! One thing, though. Do you like hip?
Caller #1: What’s that? Sounds stupid.
TJ immediately hangs up the phone.
TJ: NEXT!
The phone rings again.
Caller #2: I don’t have any wrestling experience. I’m pretty skinny. I’ve never stepped in a ring before, but hey! I heard you’re desperate. Carry me on your back to victory! I need a new belt that I may run off to Mexico with!
TJ: You’re right! I AM desperate! But usually I’m the one being carried to victory. Can you do the carrying part while I do the running off to Mexico part? It’s the same thing, right? Physical activity!
Caller #2: ...Don’t you want to stay and defend your future championship? Isn’t that the whole reason you’re chasing the belts?
TJ: Is it? I don’t really know anymore...I mean...maybe. We don’t know. I don't know. I just need a partner. You ask too many questions! NEXT!
TJ moves on to the next caller.
Caller #3: I like to eat crab! And I wear a belt! That's all you would ever want in a tag partner, right? Wrestling skill is just...an added bonus?
TJ: You're right! The quality you get on the radio! I too think that wrestling skill is just a bonus. I've gotten this far without it...I mean...I have it but I don't exactly need it. Sure. Yeah. Let's say that. Let's get in touch! Wait...who cut the line? WE HAD A CONNECTION, GODDAMNIT!!! WHY IS MY LIFE SO FULL OF PAIN!?!?
The phone rings and TJ anxiously picks it up.
Caller #4?: Ah yes. It's me! The caller from before. But one small thing! Take back that whole crab eating thing. Crabs are our friends! No riots here!
TJ: ...Are you sure? Your voice sounds kinda different...with a slight accent...and a little raspier…
Caller #4?: No no no. It's me! We just talked, how could you forget my voice already? It's me! Your future tag partner!
TJ: Wait a second... IT'S SENORITA PINCHY!!!
Pat: Who the fu...I mean... who's that?
TJ: She's an evil crab that can't be trusted! She tried to stab me, you know. I still have nightmares about it. Who knew knives could be so tiny and sharp? Where do they get them...the tiny knife store?
Senorita: Whaaaaaat???? Noooooooooo! I'm a human! A human who wants to be your tag partner! Totally not a crab.
TJ: SHE SPEAKS LIES!!! How dare you impersonate a good human like that?!? Shame! SHAME!
Pat: What is happening…
Senorita: Hey, even if I was a crab! Which I'm not, by the way. What's wrong with crabs?!? They're a peaceful species! Without riots or revolutions! Totally. BUT I AM A HUMAN!!! My accent just came out a little there!
TJ: SHUT UP, PINCHY!!! Not even the Pinchy I want to beat up! WHERE'S THAT OTHER GUY?!? HANG UP THE PHONE, PINCHY!!!
Senorita: Fine, you got me. How did you find out so fast??? I've been practicing all day!
TJ: YOU HAVE A MEXICAN ACCENT!!!
Pat: And that's all the time we have for now!!! Thanks for tuning in to morning Wrestleworld radio, we'll be back after a message from our sponsors! God, I need a new job…
TJ and Senorita Pinchy continue to argue over the phone as the scene fades to black.
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I think by now, everyone in this place knows I'm in need of a tag partner to win the hybrid belts with! Sure, that radio place could've gone better. But I think it served its purpose. I got my name out there! I got people excited! I'm sure soon enough there'll be people knocking on my phone just begging to team with me! I've already made my motives clear, and that's all they need to hear, right? Right. Who could it be? Belt lovers and crab haters alike probably. Maybe Tony Gun can come out of hiding or something. Or I can make a trio with the Nighttime Horrors. Think of all the possibilities! But TJ, you say. Don't you have a tag partner already? You've been put in a match with Amber Payne against a couple of random fools! That's true. Very true. But this is for one match! Sure, I'll give her a chance, but I'm looking for a long term thing! Well...long enough for us to boil Pinchy...I mean win the hybrid belts. I doubt that'll take too long, but I need more than one match! I'm sure I could win with anyone, but where's the fun in that? I need someone on the same level as me! Goat level. I know it sounds like a lot to ask. Not everyone can be my equal, but I'm sure someone's up to the challenge! Maybe I can clone myself and team with him. Or me? I don't know how to say it. But you get what I mean.
I get a weird vibe about Amber. I don't know if it's her look. Or if she just smells bad or something. But we can get past it! We can put our differences aside for a mutual goal! A win! We need to get this dub together whether we like it or not. Sure, I could do it myself. But she'll probably have something to say about that. But I don't know man, something about her seems off. I don't like it when people talk shit if they can't back it up. It just makes them sound like blowhards and nobody takes them seriously. She lost to a crab! And instead of feeling ashamed for LOSING TO A CRUSTACEAN, SHE TAKES TO TWITTER AND VOWS FOR REVENGE!!! Imagine getting your ass kicked by a crab. Couldn't be me! Every week she says all these outlandish things but can't back it up! All we get is disappointment and awkward anger. But never fear! Hip is here! I can drag a good performance out of anyone! Even Amber! All she needs is a good pre-match pep talk. I'll get her all hipped up and ready to kick some ass! Sure, she says she's ready to kick ass all the time, but this time she'll actually do it! I know, I can barely believe it myself! She calls herself the hunteress. But what's she hunting? Has she ever specified who she's hunting? If it's wins, she's done a pretty bad job at it. If it's losses...yeah! Great job! Maybe she should start hunting crabs. Join the cause! Don't worry, Amber. Hip is on your side. All is good. The win is guaranteed! Just try not to fall off the apron, ok? I've done a lot of that too.
And then there's Beauty Melanie. Always obsessed with her looks. Always describing everything as beautiful. You know, Beauty, other adjectives exist. You could say...hot! Or...attractive! Or...pretty! I get it's part of your whole gimmick thing, but it gets tiring hearing one word over and over again. Except hip. Never hip. Ever thought of saying that instead of Beautiful??? It has so many meanings! It's so versatile...well...not really, but it's a pretty good word, ok? I'm sure you can find a way to use it! Think about it. Hip Melanie! Doesn't that sound great? That's the best name I've ever heard. Your parents should've named you that. They named you Beauty and set your poor soul down a road of vanity and obsession. Hip, on the other hand has no downsides! Come on, can you say one bad thing about it? Well. I'm sure you could. BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG!!! Your opinion is wrong! Hip praise is the only thing that's right. And who knows how much of that you'd be giving out? Probably not much. But you seem more focused on how you look than how you perform in the ring. Explains your record, I guess. But you're not even that hot! All I see is makeup and plastic! If someone dumped a bucket of water on your head, you'd probably lose 20 pounds. How long does it take to put on makeup in the morning? You must wake up early. You're almost worse than Myo! Except you try and fake a tan rather than trying to look like a pale vampire guy. And let's not talk about all the plastic surgery! Ew. What, was there a fifty for one deal at the plastic surgery store...or wherever those things happen? But maybe it gives you an advantage or something. All that plastic must weigh you down which makes it harder for opponents to pick you up! Work smarter, not harder. You know, there's more to life than being physically beautiful. There's also having a nice personality! WHY DOES NOBODY WANT A NICE PERSONALITY?!?!...I mean...yeah, why not work on having a beautiful character? You know...being nice to people. Being generous. All that nice and kind stuff! Use me as an example! I have a great personality! I spread hip! That's the same as charity work, right? Maybe even better! Be like me, Beauty! Hip. That is all.
And her seemingly random partner is…ahem...MINORI! What's with people and making me yell their names? Lowercase letters need love too, you know! Everyone wants to be unique, but if everyone's unique in the same way, it's not so unique, is it? What I'm trying to say here is lowercase lives matter too. I'm gonna call you Minnie. Why? It's easier to say than...deep breath...MINORI! My vocal chords are struggling here! But I'm sure yours aren't, since you have a side hustle as a singer. What, is Wrestleworld not paying you enough? Shame on them! Damn corporations! A poor employee has to sing at a bar to earn money these days! You should start a union! Get that money! I'm sure everyone would join up. Who doesn’t love unions? It helps you get fair pay and good working conditions and stuff like that. What kind of lunatic doesn’t want good working conditions! You can stop singing at a bar! People will stop throwing empty beer bottles at you! Not full bottles, of course. Besides, who actually enjoys their part time job? Well...maybe you do. But you're weird. This is why you don't get paid enough to make a living. Shame. Shame! Also, what's with Wrestleworld and musicians? It seems like there's someone with a guitar or a microphone on every street corner. But nobody's serenaded me with post-match music yet! How dare they? It's not like they're busy playing for someone else! Danse did the opposite of serenading even after we were in a ring together multiple times. Maybe you can do better! Play me a victory song after I beat you! It's the least you can do after I grace your presence with the Hipbeast! I need one of those singers that follow me around and provide entrance music every time I walk into a room. Maybe you could quit your bar job and do that for me instead! I'd pay you in...uh...chips or something. Who doesn't like chips? But anyways, I think it's clear that you don't stand a chance against the goat! Sure, you beat up on all those other newbies, but they didn't really show up to the party. I'm just built different than those hoes and it'll become clear the second I get in the ring. You've been warned!
I can get through this with a win. Easily! Whether it's with Amber or without Amber, this won't be too much of a challenge. The real challenge is finding a competent tag partner to win the hybrid belts yet, but I'm feeling good about my chances of finding one! Until Saturday!
Sat Dec 03, 2022 4:36 pm by 
Subject: Beauty Melanie=Plastic mf 
