The End of A Garra (Senor Pinchy Promo)

(The camera opens just as Senor Pinchy walks up from the water and onto the shores of Wrestleworld’s main island with his Hybrid Tag Team Championship slung over his shoulder and his seashell backpack completely absorbed and discolored by sea water.)

[Voice Behind Camera]: He’s here, okay, this is our shot. PINCHY! HI!


Senor Pinchy: Hola camera mang, where es Mallory Manatee?


Camera Man: She refuses to interview you anymore.

Senor Pinchy: Por que?

Camera Man: I don't know? Something about ruining her bilingual status and being stalked by a Golden Girl...I’m not sure what she meant. It was hard to understand her through the sobbing.

Senor Pinchy: Ah, no problema, I suppose j’ou want an entrevesta con Pinchy.


Camera Man: Well there are a lot of questions coming off of your latest Hybrid Tag Team Championship win, like will that count as a defense or just an entirely new reign?


Senor Pinchy: No importante, what es importante is I have a new pareja in Albatross Gamer. We shall be a fuerte pareja: a strong team. Mucho more strong than Salsa Dip ever was, j’ou know? Sea-ria es muy loco, always complaining and slapping me because I won all of our matches, even when she didn’t want to win. Es crazy, si?

Camera Man: Well she certainly wasn’t happy about your stolen pinfall victory over Alice Gamer to retain your half of the tag titles, especially after Saria had the win in the bag.

Senor Pinchy: Yo? A’steal? Loco talk, bendejo. Loco. I cannot help that I am the winner, si? I was born to a pod of winners. Victorioso es en mi sangre: Winning is in my blood, which is why I came in numero uno the primera time I won my half of the titles, and it’s the same reason I walked out of this lucha with the first fall to retain mi campeonato.

Camera Man: Any thoughts on how things will go with your new tag partner considering you retained your half of the tag belts by pinning her to remain champion?

Senor Pinchy: Si, that is not quite starting things off with the shoe on the right claw, sin embargo I feel as if Alice Grouper and I will find common ground.


Camera Man: And if you don’t?

Senor Pinchy: There are always other fish in the sea, si?

Camera Man: Si.

Senor Pinchy: Si, so why bother worrying when I can just do what I’ve done dos veces?; put my half up for grabs, retain, and then walk out with a new pareja if things don’t work out. These are estupida questions, Camera Mang. Challenge The Pinchy or feel the Pinchy, comprehende?

Camera Man: Loud and clear. One last question; how do you feel about your upcoming match against Saria?


Senor Pinchy: Eh...we have a match?


Camera Man: Sorry, I suppose you didn’t hear about it while traversing back to the island on foot on the ocean floor. You will be facing Saria this coming week at DOMINION 16: War on the Horizon.


Senor Pinchy: Interesante...But es no film off my shell, esse. I have done a lot to carry us as a team, even sometimes actively fighting against her just to retain what we once earned together single-clawdedly. From square uno she made it known she didn’t want me as a pareja. She would not come ringside and stand in mi corner when I fought her amega, but when she finally showed up it was in Finsen's corner. She even tried to assault me with the campeonato to gain her amiga the advantage in our match, but instead clocked her hermana in the cabeza on accidente. I convinced myself para un memento that she did that for me, but watching back the tapes over and over again, it made me realize dos things.

Camera Man: Oh?

Senor Pinchy: Thing uno: She es a horrible aim. Nina couldn’t hit the business end of a burro with a ten foot pole. Thing numero dos: regardless to if she was aiming for me or not, she es still a bad pareja. Piensalo: If her intention was really to kiss my boca with that belt, then she cost Jensen the match by screwing up gran momento, I dodged a bullet fish by losing her as a tag partner so soon in our reign. She could’ve done something estupida in a match and cost us el oro.

Camera Man: That’s very true, and something I don’t think rash people like Saria consider. You know it’s one thing to bend the roles, but-

Senor Pinchy: Perdoname camera mang, who asked j’ou for j’our opinion? Besides, j’ou just parroted what I said to you anyway. I know what I say, no need to reinforce it. I have had it up to here with that sort of behavior if I’m being quite honesto. People act like Pinchy idea es their idea, but in the end it’s always Pinchy coming out encima. Callate y escucha; Shut up and listen. I am not a crab to be trifled with. If anything, I’ve proven that by retaining mi oro, and yet I still get the same nagging voz en mi oido trying to tell me what to do when I know best. I am unpinned and unsubmitted in Luchamundo, and that will not change against Sea-ria just because she es jealous of Pinchy.


Camera Man: Jealous?

Senor Pinchy: Si, she es muy jealous de mi success y talent. She knows Pinchy was muy popular in his school of fish and she didn’t have that.


Camera Man: Actually, I was here when you confessed to Mallory that you were picked on a lot in-

Senor Pinchy: SILENCIO! Regardless! I grew into my own shell and became rico suave with all of the angelfish while she es still wearing braces on her boca and fish tank sized glasses over her oyos! I am leading revolution while she’s playing Mean Girls with the only other bruja who’d sit at her lunch table or play with her at recess. Ever been to a quinceanera that had less than quince people? It was just her and that perra Finsen taking turns holding the rope while the other swang at the pinata. Muy depresiva. Heard her abuela even faked her death to get out of that one.

Camera Man: So you’re saying that because she has a loyal friend and overcame a rough childhood that she isn’t better than you?

Senor Pinchy: No, no, I am saying once a perdedora always a perdedora. Sea-ria and Finsen will always come out on the long end of the stick.

Camera Man: Don’t you mean short end?

Senor Pinchy: No, the long one’s what they catch the fish with, mang. Regardless, es metaforica. Don’t take it so a’serious esse.

Camera Man: Clearly you aren’t.

Senor Pinchy: Okay, mang! Okay! J’ou want serio? This is my last bit of amigo advice to Sea-ria. I say to j’ou to cut line and bail, senorita. Take the worm off of de hook and swim away before I hook j’ou and drag j’ou to flop around on the surface. No more games. J’ou didn’t show up to the ones I set up for j’ou anyway, so no more games bruja. If j’ou were a’smart and not estupida, j’ou’d stay away from DOMINION. I’ve taken your abuse for long enough, heard you whine and complain about being tag partners with me after you pulled the title down last: now it’s Pinchy’s turn to air his Festivus grievances

Camera Man: Hold up, you know about Seinfeld?


Senor Pinchy: Si, Senor Seinfeld is an ally to my people. Es muy kosher, stays away from the shellfish.

Camera Man: Does that mean you understand the concept of the winter holiday season?

Senor Pinchy: Si, si. We have Prawnzaa We wait for Santa Claws to come down to our depths and give out toys to all the good guppies and tadpoles.

Camera Man: Wow, really?!

Senor Pinchy: No...J’ou are estupido, just like the nerd ninas.

(The dejected cameraman begins to let his lens droop as the judgmental Pinchy stares him down and shakes his head in disgust. Suddenly the camera catches sight of something pulling through the break of the waves from the corner of it's lens. It pans over to find a doggy paddling Betty White approaching the shore fast with a crazed look in her eyes and a bloody knife clenched between her teeth. The camera man nods to draw Pinchy's attention to the approaching Betty. Pinchy spots her just as she stands up on shore and starts hobbling his way. Pinchy looks around, seemingly in search of an escape, but it’s too late. Betty White has spotted him, and there’s nothing he can do about it. Betty stops forty feet away from him, pulls the knife from her teeth, licking the blade clean as she does so, and lifts it high in the air in defiant anger.)

Betty White: PINCHY!!! I’VE COME TO CLAIM WHAT’S OWED!


Senor Pinchy: I paid you up, Senorita Blanco. J’ou have your dinero. Why are j’ou so mad at me?

Betty White: You held me captive in a fish tank for weeks, you imbecile!

Senor Pinchy: Ah, si, but never again. I promise j’ou.

Betty White: Yeah right! Next thing I know I’ll be back in that damn tank with Richard DawSwan’s plucked clean skeleton staring at me judgmentally!

Senor Pinchy: No, no, no more game shows Senorita Blancofish. Sea-ria es no longer mi pareja. J’ou are free.

(Betty slowly lowers her knife as she stares down at the sand with a mixture of confusion and sadness. She slowly waddles up the shore toward Pinchy and mournfully looks up to the crab man.)

Betty White: No more?


Senor Pinchy: Si, no mas.

Betty White: But...but I literally followed you across an ocean and back!

Senor Pinchy: Si, was muy impressive for an octogenarian mammal.


Betty White: So the work’s really dried up? No more game shows…?

Senor Pinchy: Si. No more, Senorita Whitefish.

Betty White: Damn. Was kind of counting on this for Christmas scratch...ah screw it all I guess.

(Betty throws down her knife and shrugs as she walks past Pinchy, defeated and unsatisfied in her quest for blood. Pinchy and the camera man look on with worried confusion as she leaves, only daring to speak once she’s disappeared on the horizon.)

Senor Pinchy: Wow, that was way easier to resolve than i thought it would be.


Camera Man: Yeah. She took it well I think.

Senor Pinchy: Si.

Camera Man: Si...

Senor Pinchy:....

Camera Man: I should probably call-

Senor Pinchy: Si, si, call Mallory Maceral and warn her that Betty’s headed toward the hotel. Not sure if she’s forgiven her or not.

Camera Man: Yeah, that’s probably for the best. Any closing thoughts before I go make the call?

Senor Pinchy: Uhhh...Oh, J’es, Alfish Gamer: Do not a’try to boil me alive, si? I know everyone likes threatening that, but if we are to be a pareja, I think a desire to devour me alive may cause a rift in our partnership.

Camera Man: Do you plan to try and win her over with some cool video game references or skits or whatever?

Senor Pinchy: No.


Camera Man: O-oh.

Senor Pinchy: Don’t be estupido.

Camera Man: Well you did it with Saria-

Senor Pinchy: Si, and look how that turned out!


Camera Man: Fair point. Any closing words for Saria?


Senor Pinchy: Ehh...how j’ou say…? Preparate para morir, bruja! Prepare to die, j’ou witch! I RULE J’OU!

Camera Man: CUT!

(Fade to black)