imagine this to the tune of the inside the nba theme

Our scene starts in a familiar news studio with everyone’s favourite host. Sirens blare, lights flash and the HNN logo flies across the screen. TJ Thompson is seen wearing yet another oversized suit and tie.

TJ: And we are back, with ANOTHER episode of the most reliable news show on the planet that comes out at weirdly inconsistent intervals...HIP! NEWS! NETWORK!!! And yes, an individual show is called a network. Isn’t it? No? Just go with it. I don’t care. Shut up. Anyway...your boy’s got some surprises coming up. You people are about to be educated like you’ve never been educated before! Let’s get to the news!

A poorly done graphic of a boat comes onto the screen.

TJ: Many people are wondering about what the cruise ship looks like for the wrestlers for this upcoming pay-per-view. Well...me too! I’m in the same boat as the people...heh...get it? Anyway...nobody tells me anything, so I’m forced to do my own research! Except I don’t do my research. Instead, I send people to do it for me! Coming at you live, from wherever the fuck they parked the boat...LIL TIMMY TWO-SHOES!!!

The camera switches to Lil TT standing in front of a large cruise ship.

Lil TT: Well...I guess this is it! I don’t know what’s so special about it yet, but I guess I’ll find out! Hey TJ, you better be paying me for this, right?

TJ: Yeah sure, kid. You gotta give me the news first! And make it out alive too. If you get arrested, the bail comes out of your pay.

Lil TT: Whatever, old man.

Lil TT sneaks up the ramp leading up to the cruise ship while hiding behind some boxes when some workers walk past. He continues up the ramp and reaches the deck of the ship and looks around.

Lil TT: Well. This is what you wanted! I’ve even got the camera guy here recording all of it! You like what you see, TJ?

TJ: Wow, nice place! I wonder where they’ll fit a ring in there. Maybe they can move that pile of inflatable ducks or something. But where am I gonna put my pet giraffe?

Lil TT: Let’s find out!

Lil TT keeps moving, ducking behind various objects to avoid being spotted and comes across a giant swimming pool.

TJ: Why do they need a swimming pool filled with water...IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN?!?

Lil TT: Beats me.

TJ: It must be where Pinchy’s hiding his relatives. Evil.

Lil TT keeps going but gets caught by a security guard when he peeks into a room filled with what looks like steel chairs.

Lil TT: Oh shit. It’s not what it looks like! I was just...uh...on a tour! A solo tour. I’m also the tour guide, if you didn’t know.

Security Guard: It looks to me like you’re trespassing on private property! You can’t just come on this boat and start peeking in secret rooms!

Lil TT: I’m not trespassing! This is for the media! And my bank account, too! The people need to know what’s on this thing! Well...one person. But that one person is the guy that’s paying me so he’s basically a whole country.

Security Guard: I don’t care if you’re filming for the Queen of England! Either you get off this private property, or I’ll have you arrested!

Lil TT: Oh jeez, chill! Fine! FINE!!! Man, can’t a guy explore anything nowadays? You people with your goddamn laws and shit.

Lil TT hightails it off the boat as the security guard follows behind to make sure he leaves.

Lil TT: Hey TJ, I’m still getting paid, right? Right?

TJ: Uh…

TJ gets cut off by a seagull dive-bombing Lil TT. He falls off the ramp and into the ocean.

Lil TT: AAAAAAAHHHH!!!

TJ: WHY ARE YOU STILL FILMING?!? GO SAVE HIM!!!

The camera gets shaky and placed down as the cameraman presumably goes to save Lil TT. The scene switches back to the news studio as TJ looks stressed.

TJ: Damn, I hope we don’t have a lawsuit on our hands or something. Oh yeah, and hopefully he’s not dead. That wouldn’t be good for the ratings! But anyways...let’s move on to another segment in this episode! I know some people are wondering where the word hip came from. And they think that I know the answer! To be honest, I'm sure I did at one point...but now, I have no goddamn idea. So for the answer, we're going to be asking a certified hip doctor! Lil Ti-...wait, he was supposed to interview him too. Can we get another reporter that won't fall into the ocean?!? Anyone at all?!?

After a brief pause, the scene switches to a doctor's office. Larry the Lobster scuttles in with a tiny microphone.

Larry: AY!!! AY!!! WHERE'S THE HIP GUY?!? DOCTOR MAN?!? I'm looking for a guy who knows about hips or I'm about to start throwing things!

Receptionist: Where's that voice coming from? Is anyone there?

Larry: LOOK DOWN, LADY!!!

Receptionist: Oh. Aww, aren't you cute! Wait...a talking lobster?!? Oh…

The receptionist faints in shock and almost squashes Larry.

Larry: Jeez, watch where you're falling! Can a lobster get some respect around these parts? I'M STILL LOOKING FOR THAT DOCTOR!!!

A man in a white jacket walks in and sees the unconscious receptionist. He runs over to help and almost steps on Larry.

Larry: I SAID WATCH WHERE YOU'RE FUCKING WALKING!!! Hey, are you a doctor?!? I got some words for you!

Doctor #1: A...a talking lobster? Ohhh…

The doctor faints and Larry throws his claws up in frustration.

Larry: WHAT'S SO SHOCKING ABOUT A TALKING LOBSTER!!! It's not like I'm the only talking crustacean in the world! What am I supposed to do, TJ?!?

TJ: I don't know, bruh. Just stay there until ANOTHER doctor comes! And try not to make him faint.

As soon as TJ finishes his sentence, another doctor walks in to see the two bodies lying on the floor.

Larry: HEY!!! DON'T FAINT!!!

Doctor #2: Oh hi, talking lobster.

Larry: You're not shocked?

Doctor #2: Naaaaaah. I've seen worse. But I have a feeling I should help these people lying on the floor.

Larry: I feel ya. But first, the people got some questions for ya! You don't happen to be a hip doctor, do you?

Doctor #2: Well I just came back from an appointment with a man with hip cancer. So close enough! But I think I should really help these people first, so if you'd excuse me…

Larry: Nah, they'll be fine! Media obligations come first! Anyway, I'm sure you're an expert on hips. Being a hip doc and all that shit. But do you know about the other meaning of hip?!? Tell us where it comes from?!? The people need to know! This lobster needs to get paid!

Doctor #2: I have no idea what you're talking about, sorry. Now I should really help these people…

Larry: COME ON!!! YOU'RE A HIP DOCTOR AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THE OTHER MEANING OF HIP COMES FROM?!? COME ON, BRO!!! STOP HOLDING IT BACK!!! THE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW!!!

TJ: Fuck yeah, tell em, Larry!

Doctor #2: Listen, lobster guy. There's people that I need to help, and you want me to talk about some fake hip word! I don't know what you're talking about. I'll try to give you a better answer later, but first you gotta get out of the way! And...did you get permission to film here?

Larry: Aww, man. Y'all hearing this guy?!? WORRIED ABOUT THE CAMERA GUY WHEN THERE'S PEOPLE TO SAVE?!? Come on, buddy. We can find another hip doctor that will actually answer our questions. Back to you, TJ!

The scene switches back to a facepalming TJ. He quickly stops when he notices that the camera is back on him.

TJ: Uh...let's call that one a developing story! I'm sure Larry can find a REAL hip doctor later….or something. Don't worry, we never abandon a story unless we get our feelings hurt or something. Anywaaaaaaaaaay...let's move on to a different story! I've just received news that Timmy has been pulled out of the ocean and he's alive! So that means he's back to work, bringing you our last story of the evening! Let's hear from him!

The scene switches to a soaking wet Lil TT draped in a towel and in front of a jewelry store.

Lil TT: Sigh. My life is pain. Nothing but pain. Moving on, I'm sure fans of Dominion know about the Jewel of Atlantis match going on at that cruise ship I just got kicked out of. That's cool. That's great. But you know what an actual jewel of atlantis is?!? Well I don't. Sure, it's this pearl thing, but where did they get it from? What are you supposed to do with it? All questions that I don't really care about but TJ needs them answered, so here I am. What else is new? Anyway, I'm at this jewelry store to interrogate some poor soul about this jewel thing. Let's do it! I want to go home.

Lil TT walks into the jewelry store and goes up to the first person he sees standing behind the jewelry case.

Lil TT: Hey! You! Yeah, that's right I'm talking to you. Do you know what the Jewel of Atlantis is?!? Please say yes.

Jeweler: Yeah, I do.

Lil TT: Oh thank god. Quick. Answer these questions so I can go home. What the fuck do you actually do with it?

Jeweler: Well...it's just a really big pearl. You can...put it on your mantle? Maybe put it on a necklace or something?

Lil TT: Damn, really? Okay, then. Are you sure it doesn't give you any special powers or anything?

Jeweler: No...as far as I know. I don't know. I didn't make the thing! Maybe you should go get it and find out!

Lil TT: Shhhh...don't give him any ideas…

TJ: I can hear you!

Lil TT: Shit. Anyway...anything else you can tell us that we don't know?

Jeweler: Not at all. Now are you going to buy anything?

Lil TT: Hell no. Anyway, back to you, TJ!

The scene switches back to a confused TJ.

TJ: Huh. Just a pearl. Okay, then. I guess I'm not missing out of much! Anyway, if you lasted until the end, now you know everything you need to know about the world! You're welcome. Hip News prides itself on being the most reliable news source in the world, and I don't think we tarnished our reputation that much today. I'm TJ Thompson and...I'm the only one here, so...yeah. Hip News, signing off!

The Hip News Network logo flies across the screen again and the scene fades to black after the outro.

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That's tuff, Amber. Things aren't going as planned for the homies. We haven't even hit one of the finishers we spent two minutes practicing! But that's fine, I guess. At least I still got gold hanging around my waist...for now. It sure does make my waist look more hot than it already is. Hopefully it sticks around! The shows leading up to this Grand Tour haven't been that great...but hey, they could've been worse! Amber and I didn't lose, we just failed to win! I could've been someone like…like someone I've never heard of! Imagine nobody knowing who you are. Couldn't be me. At least I'm still relevant. I might have died once or twice. I might have taken a rare L. But at least I can say that L's are rare for me, right? Some people can't say the same! Damn, taking a look at the roster...A LOT of people can't say the same! Great. Nothing like your peers doing badly to motivate you to at least do better than those losers, right? Yeah. I'm always right. Except when I'm wrong. Those times don't count.

Anyway, it appears that I got some challengers for the Hybrid straps Amber and I happen to be holding. Fuuuuck. These belts have a history of being lost on the first defense, you know. But those were the days with Pinchy's bitch ass holding them. Ew. Gross. But this is a new day! A new reign of slightly longer champions, which means I gotta hold onto these things for at least one defense, right? Just one. That's all I ask. Until I ask for more than that which will probably happen eventually. Anywaaaaaaaaaay… the challengers put in front of us seem random as fuck. It's almost like that's the whole point of these belts! Except you have to have talent. These guys, I don't know. You know, I used to know who people were. Sure, the roster used to be smaller. But nowadays I look at the cards and recognize barely anyone! And now the dudes challenging for my titles are one of those people. Goddamnit. WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!? Yeah yeah yeah, I know you're gonna say some shit like "hurr durr, you're about to find out!" But really. Tell me. I have no idea who you hoes are. I like to know the people I'm about to beat up! Unless they're a crab. I beat up unnamed crabs all the time. Bruce Mcleod sounds like the hick Bruce Willis. Mainly because they share a first name. Apollo St Paul is about to be needing a saint because I'm about to murder this hoe! Okay. That was a little outta line, but you know what I mean. How do you have a cool name like Apollo and end it with PAUL?!? What a waste. Daaaaamn shame.

But we got this, right Amber? I'm sure we haven't exactly been seeing eye to eye lately. But come on! Let's get our shit together! We made all those moves and practiced them for a whole five minutes, goddamnit. Those were five minutes I could've spent doing anything else! I know you might be a little busy hunting or whatever you do with your life these days. But now it's time for some...human hunting? Don't take that one the wrong way. You know what I mean. It's time to hunt for humans to pin or submit! I know you've got it in you, so let's go! Well, I hope you have it in you. I don't really know anything, bro.

So let’s start with Apollo St Paul. First thing I notice about this guy is that he’s fat. I’ve faced off against evil crab guys. I’ve had matches against cheeto gamers or whatever. BUT A FAT GUY?!? How dare they? And one that has an ego. I don’t know why fat people have egos. You’d think that they’d be bullied into the gym or the chip bag or something, but with this clown, that’s just not the case! I think I know the problem here. I think I’ve found the source of this man Apollo’s bullshit. It’s all that body positivity! You know, all bodies aren’t beautiful. For example, his isn’t! These hoes are pumping him up and making him feel good, when he just...shouldn’t. What ever happened to good old fashioned bullying? I do it to my opponents and it works most of the time. Damn, the only thing positive about HIS body is diabetes! Ha. That was a good one. Man, I hope he doesn’t weigh the boat down and sink us! Do it after the match at least! Maybe I could get a job at a comedy club if this whole wrestling thing doesn’t work out. Anyway, I’m not saying that ALL of that body positivity shit is bad. It’s good if the body deserves praise. For example, look at your boy! I got...uh...rock-hard abs in there somewhere! And have you seen my waist with a title around it?!? See? It can be okay when there’s a good example to use it on. Like me. Moving on, this guy seems to think that he’s some god just because...I don’t know. That’s what he thinks. Nobody said that he was smart. But I don’t really know who this guy is. Maybe he DOES have a legion of adoring fans! But I think I know who those fans are. It seems kinda obvious, if you know what I mean. He’s got the body positivity people in his corner! But he’s not special. You know those people. They’re in EVERYONE’S corner! Maybe they'll switch over in the middle of the match. He might think they’re just there for him, but they’ll be there for someone else’s fat ass the next week! Hey Apollo. You might be loved by the fans! I don’t know anything about you! But it’s about time you learned that the fans that love you happen to love everyone. You’re not that special. I know. It hurts. And it’ll probably hurt some more once you hold this L. Hopefully it doesn’t ruin the cruise for you. Or...not. It doesn’t matter.

But nah, that’s not all. They’re giving this Bruce guy a title shot in his first ever match! Bruh. Are you serious?!? Do you know how hardI had to work to get this title?!? Well...not that hard, not gonna like...but I sure worked harder than this guy! Come on. IS IT THE EYES?!? DID HE STARE AT YOU AND HYPNOTIZE YOU INTO GIVING HIM A TITLE SHOT?!? Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me. Unless people watch this and it gets exposed. Anyway...back to Bruce. Not gonna lie, it feels like everyone in wrestling has some sort of sad backstory. Oh no, your mom abandoned you before you were born? You have to team with some guy named Apollo on a cruise ship? You hate to see it. That used to be a unique thing. You’d see someone with that background and be like “whoa, I want him to succeed” but now, I guess people have found out about that. And now nobody cares. Including me, but I don’t really care about a lot of things. Listen Bruce, I don’t really know who you are either, but this time there’s a reason for it...because nobody knows who you are. You come into this place and get a title shot right away because they couldn’t get anyone else. I smell a little bias, here. I don’t care how good you are. You aren’t some veteran that people know. People see you and say “who?”. But the management seems to love you already. And I have a feeling that bias won’t be going away anytime soon, even if you don’t win here! You’ll be shoved into other high spots in the card like you weren’t just hired five seconds ago. Come on, guys? I thought you knew better! Most people have to grind and work until they even come close to having a match with a goat like me! But look at you, cruising in here and getting title shots for no reason at all. I'm usually good at beating people who don't deserve to be where they are even though some people think I'm one of them! The audacity! But I guess we'll see! And when I say we'll see, I mean that we'll all see my dub. Yep.

From all the challengers they could've put in front of me, these guys aren't that bad! I could've had to face people who are actually good. But nah. I'm like Michael Jordan and the rest of these hoes are... literally everyone else during that time. I can't be touched. I'm like a cow in India. This whole thing is light work. At my worst, I'm still better than the entire roster! At least, that's what I'm saying today. And as we all know, whatever I say is true. These challengers gotta sit down. Their time will come...maybe not...but what I'm trying to say that my time is now, and it's gonna be a long time before I lose this belt. I can wrestle on a boat. I can wrestle on land. I can wrestle literally in the water. Hey...has anyone thought of doing a second Space Jam? Anyway...no matter the time, no matter the place, your boy's getting the dub.