Spoiler Alert

"Good morning and welcome back to RChat 102. It's the only radio station where RChat is 'our' chat, so sound off on the phone lines. Joining us again is long time listener and contributor, a man we simply call 'The Professional'. Right before we hit the ad break we were discussing what makes a great movie. Care to indulge us again, Pro?"

[6:00 A.M. Monday, December 2nd in a half empty parking garage 2 klicks from the Wrestleworld Arena)

Radio DJ: You were discussing how a linear plot in film is superior to the polarizing twist ending.

"As far back as I can remember, I've always been a fan of gangster movies. They're all the better when they're based on true crimes. Movies like 'Blow', 'Goodfellas', 'The Wolf of Wall Street', to a lesser extent 'War Dogs', all tell the same iconic parable of crime and punishment. They give you the highs, the incentive, the human side of being the bad guy that would turn any Joe Schmoe out there flipping burgers for a living into Scarface if given the opportunities of a Henry Hill or George Jung.

Radio DJ: You strike me as a man with a strong sense of justice.

"Justice is subjective. Men and women are being sentenced to life in prison now for crimes that wont exist in twenty years. I like a linear narrative, plain and simple."

Radio DJ: You don't enjoy the works of M. Night Schalamalamadingdong or the 'subverted expectations' that the new Star Wars movies present?

"Why would anyone? Don't get me wrong; a good twist and a mystery can be fun, but we've went beyond rational Alfred Hitchcock or even David Fincher territory some time ago. How is Rey not being a Skywalker a twist? It's an anti-twist, and one that shouldn't come as all that surprising to viewers. We're in a galaxy far far away after all. One would hope it wasn't filled with a singular incestuous family."

Radio DJ: What about M. Night?

"What about him? He made two good movies, and only one of them had an actual twist. I'm sure it would've been great if every single loudmouth hadn't spoiled the fact that Bruce Willis is a ghost within the first week of the movie's theater run. Similar to Star Wars, the twist in "The Visit" was there wasn't a twist. There's that and the fact that M. Night actually made a decent found footage film. Who saw that one coming after ten years of straight up bad movies? Even in the biggest twists in cinematic history, why on Tataoine would Darth Vader hide his identity from his children? Why wouldn't anyone know about C.F Kane's beloved childhood sled? The man had wives after all. Why wouldn't someone know that Angela had a penis? It's bound to come up with child protective services or in a school physical. A twist for the sake of having a twist is ridiculous."

Radio DJ: Clearly the gravity of these reveals is lost on you.

"No I understand I'm supposed to feel something, but I don't. Do you know what I understand? Henry Hill. 'Business is bad? Fuck you, pay me. Oh, you had a fire? Fuck you, pay me. Place got hit by lightening huh? Fuck you, pay me.'

Radio DJ: And the dump button is worn out for the day.

"Sorry, it's just that mentality is what I understand above all else. You want to waste my time? string me along and call me out? you want my services and expertise? Well, that costs money. How much? enough to wipe my hands clean after handling your dirty laundry. You want something personal? Want me to inject meaning into the seemingly random paper trail that comes with my line of business? or just a win over me because I'm the guy that pulled the trigger? that all comes with a convenient price tag that I'm willing to read aloud for the money illiterate. I'll even slap my little black book of clients up on eBay if I think it'll line my billfold with green interior. Plain and simple, you want something from me? Fuck you, pay me. It's the most universal sentence in any language. You can't beat that kind of blunt writing."

Radio DJ: Also, the food in Goodfellas? Can't beat that with a stick. I wish I ate as well in real life as Henry Hill ate in prison.

"While I'm not a connoisseur of home brew toilet marinara, I concede that it looks pretty damn good when you put it on a movie screen. Regardless, you're straying from my point here: who wants to only appreciate a movie for the last five minutes? Who cares about a movie where the devil might be in an elevator because some superstitious security guard dropped his bagel a certain way? Wouldn't you rather see a film where people are trapped in an elevator with a devil they know and can't escape? Why not just rip the mask off and reveal the horns beneath?"

Radio DJ: That sounds a little too sadistic for my taste.

"You're interrupting again. I'll tell you why you can't do that: because there isn't a devil. In the end, Darth Vader's just an old guy in a stylized respirator who lost his way somewhere down the road. Norman Bates is just a troubled boy with a troubled past who needs help almost as much as the women he killed. Deep down, Charles Foster Kane is just some little boy who lost his innocence too early. Rey? she's just some outer space white trash who doesn't know who her parents were. Bruce Willis is dead. Where do you go from there? Nowhere, because the only interesting thing about these characters was the mystique. Scarface died with his boots on, Henry Hill went to suburban hell because that's what he deserved after overly indulging in the mafioso lifestyle, George Jung died in prison without ever seeing his estranged daughter again because he chose the high life and hallucinogenics over family. That's conflict resolution. That's the beginning and the end. You get what you want, because all anyone really wants to see is the powerful fall flat on their face after exploiting and neglecting the status quo. The story ends, you get what you want, and you go home happy because society's boogeymen bit the dust."

Radio DJ: Are you sure there isn't a raging hard justice chubby pitching a tent in your jeans right now, friend?

"Not at all, because I know how the world works. These flights of fancy, no matter how based in reality as they may be, aren't common here in the real world. There are no big Scooby Doo reveal moments that somehow make the monsters more human.
Once he looses the mask, Darth Vader becomes vulnerable. The nightmare is when what lies beneath surpasses the horror of the facade. That's the reality."

Radio DJ: As a radio DJ, I can attest to the fact that once I leave the airwaves and head out into the real world that this voice becomes less sexy when the face that comes with it hits the streets. Thanks for your input as always, Pro. Stick with us after the break as we talk about the best ways to use your holiday leftovers. That's at the top of the hour and on the other side of this plug. Stick with us.