[The Red Zone District’s Zaire Ogden finds himself in uncharted waters this week...he’s gonna compete in singles competition. Something that doesn’t interest him in the slightest because ever since his Pee Wee football days, he’s been a team player. Always putting others first because he’s just a swell dude to be honest. So even though this match doesn’t exactly tickle his fancy, he’s gotta make it work because he’s not about to let The Red Zone District down. But before we get this match of his with Drake Jaeger he must get some things off his chest. Z is in his hometown, starting out at his high school’s football field. Eugene, the greatest nerd to ever do it is filming Zaire.]
Eugene: Sorry in advance, I’m not the best at filming.
Zaire: You’re not the best at anything. Just try not to fuck up too much ok? Like I know you’re going to, because it’s you, but keep it to a minimal aight?
Eugene: I’ll try not to, I promise! You also said you want me to do the editing on this video and again, I don’t have much experience in doing it.
Zaire: Yeah...something else you don’t have much experience in is woman, amirite? But man listen, why you gotta keep saying things I don’t care about? You’re a nerd, nerds know and learn things, right? Plus don’t you watch tutorials and shit in your free time? Figure it out.
Eugene: Yeah you’re right. Any special requests for this video?
Zaire: I want it to be sad. Very sad. I want this video to pull on the audience’s heartstrings. I want this to be sadder than that dog abuse commercial with that one bitch singing In The Arms of an Angel. Aight? Add some sad depressing music. Like some Johnny Cash or something. Wait no, Marvins Room. Just the instrumental. Also put the video in black and white. Make it more dramatic ya know?
[The scene transitions to a sad-looking Zaire while “Marvins Room” instrumental by Drake is playing. He’s running around the track that’s around the field with a weighted backpack on his back. He stops and looks off into the distance all sad. Next he hits and moves a five men blocking sled all by himself. After he impressively moves it fifty feet or so he lets out the manliest and the most alpha roars before looking all sad. He walks away from the field all sad. He puts up his hood trying to hide his sad face. He walks by a pond. He throws rocks. Trying to skip them across but they sink instead. He’s happy? No. He’s fucking sad. He then sees some ducks and magically pulls some bread out and starts feeding them. He doesn’t have enough for all of them. This makes him...sad. He sits on the bench. Just sitting there, reflecting on life. What’s this? What the fuck he’s painting something now? So talented. What can’t he do? He’s concentrating on the beautiful scenery. He’s working on this painting for a while. A time-lapse goes by. So much detail is going into it surely. He’s been going at this for a few hours now. He flips the canvas towards the camera and it’s...just a sad face. Damn. Sad faces are sad. He puts his face in his hands because sad. He rubs his eyes and lets out a sigh before looking into the camera.]
Zaire: Shit man, I don’t know. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. There’s nothing I can do. Nothing anybody can do. The damage has been done. FUCK! I wish I could do something to fix it. To undo this whole mess. I wanna build a dope ass time machine and go back in time and stop it from happening. Yes, this is the one event in all of history that I would change because it’s that important. But unfortunately I’m no superhero. Even though I have superhuman strength and shit. Popeye up in this bitch but it is what it is. Actually nah it isn’t what it is. Shut the fuck up Eugene! Why you say that? That would be dismissing this whole situation. This needs to be talked about and I must shed some light on it...yes, shedding something besides me shedding some real thug tears because of it. Maybe I’m being too vague right now so let me clarify. I can’t stop thinking about what happened on Dominion a few weeks ago. The Red Zone District was supposed to have an intense, yet friendly, battle with...ummmmmm...I got this...nah I don’t, shit...hol up, what’s their name again?
Eugene: Sweet Melody.
Zaire: Oh right, Sweet Melody. A very talented team that consists of....
Eugene: April Song and Hana.
Zaire: Right! Those two. I know those two. I know all about them. Like they team and...hmm, yeah. Sorry I can’t remember shit right now. My memory is a bit foggy on this matter because I try not to think or relive it because it still hurts too much. The wound? Still fresh. Almost as fresh as this new Rolex. Eugene get a close up on it. Icy huh? But hey I’m not one to flex...BOW! Last shot, I promise. But then again you didn’t even compliment me on my Gucci hoodie but it’s fine. Yeah, nah it’s cool. Nah no mo closeups, you had your chance. What was I saying again? The diamonds on my wrist blinded me and made me lose my train of thought. Oh yes, my memory being foggy and shit and it has nothing to do with the fact I drank a lil too much last night. Sweet...Sweet...Sweet n Sour? No. Sweet Melon.
Eugene: Sweet Melody.
Zaire: Aye yeah! They got attacked man. Straight up ambushed. Straight up embarrassed. By...uhhhhh...it’s on the tip of my tongue...like yo bitch...THEY GOT ATTACKED BY..
Eugene: The Underworld.
Zaire: Yeah by that Stranger Things shit.
Eugene: That’s The Upside Down...
Zaire: Ok, so that thing from Jordan Peele’s Us.
Eugene: No, that’s the Underground.
Zaire: Huh. Word? Okay. You learn something new every day. But look April and Hana, right? Yeah I know my shit. They got jumped. Right before our match. Right as I was stretching. Which answers your question of yo Z if you so concerned about what went down why didn’t you help? I was in mid-stretch you rude motherfucka. I couldn’t afford to pull anything because even though our opponents got fucked up, I knew there was still a chance, even if it was a sliver of a chance that this match of ours could go down. And it did. Therefore my lack of springing into action is justified. Besides they grown adults man. They can fight their own battles. Plus with how Charmin ultra soft this world is we woulda been labeled as sexist, thinking we think that women always need a man’s help. I ain’t trying to convey that message to the world. You got me fucked up. I just wanna say that I don’t condone Underworld’s actions. It was fucked up. Some real pussy type shit. They could have ended their careers. Taking food off their tables. No longer able to provide. This bigger than wrestling at the end of the day. Cuz I would like to think of us as one big happy family. So I woulda never done what they did and I for one am appalled and quite frankly, disgusted. Almost as disgusted as Joe Buck when Randy Moss mooned Packer fans back in the day. A DISGUSTING ACT! But yeah Im also a bit pissed off. Angry too. Pretty upset to be honest. Lowkey mad. Irate? Yea that’s fair. Enraged yeah. All that. No need for that selfish bullshit.
[Half of the screen then shows Zaire and D’Angelo constantly attacking The Spitfires before their matches and after. It then disappears from the screen.]
Zaire: With everything going on in the world it’s obvious that we are facing some tough times these days. People be going through some pretty messed up shit. Yeah, my heart goes out to all y’all, for real for real. But...I got the worst of it by far because I must live with this guilt of not helping our friends April and Hana, when they needed us the most. There’s no topping that. It’s weighing so heavily on my mind and of course, my heart, that I can’t think straight and now Jay expects me to be able to compete just a few days later? Where the fuck is the empathy? Huh? I just witnessed a tragedy! RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES! Treating us as barbarians and shit. That’s fine. Right Eugene?
Eugene: Yes, Zaire, it is fine!
Zaire: NO IT AINT EUGENE! Maybe under normal circumstances but not this week because I have to face Drake Jaeger. But then again he just a normal opponent to me right, Eugene?
Eugene: Oh yeah, that’s right.
Zaire: NO IT AINT EUGENE! Drake is more than an opponent. He a brother man. He took D’Lo and I under his wing. A wing imma clip this week. Who said that? Who just threatened by good friend Drake huh? Anyway we have a close bond. Ever since I debuted we have been joined at the hip. Having each other’s back. I remember I even slammed your back into Harry? Liz? Nobi? I can’t remember, they all chumps so they blend in, but it was some great innovative offense in that eight-man tag. Drake and I, we’ve shared many laughs. Which led to many inside jokes that would create so many knee slappers and zingers. It would cause a huge scene as people would look at us and judge us asking themselves what the fuck is wrong with them huh? Nothing. That’s what. I don’t like this. I don’t like this matchup. But I get it, this is a business and sometimes we have to put our emotions aside. I just wish I didn’t have to face you so soon. So soon after I witnessed what I did on Dominion. I guess they right, when it rains it pours. But I must pick myself up and dust my shoulders off. I must look at you as a JAG. Just anotha guy. An opponent I must run through. An opponent I must break in half. And when that happens Drake, that won’t be the only thing that’s broken...my heart. It’s gonna shatter. Into so many fuckin pieces you can’t possibly gather it all. Shit man, I recall the goat, Coach Taylor would always say clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose before big games. But my eyes won’t be clear man. They gonna be misty after I fuck you up. After I bash your skull in. After I bear hug you until I hear your back break and crack in twenty different places. Because even though you were my ally, for a hot minute, you are nothing to me compared to D’Lo. This about The Red Zone District. Always has been. Always will be. Last time I checked you ain’t wearing our team colors. You with Jones. Unless hey, you’re a free agent soon then yeah, join us. We’ll throw you the bag. Secure it. Join us! Because after all, even the biggest stars have backups. Brees has Winston. Prescott has Dalton. Carr has the goat Peterman holding the clipboard. D’Lo and Z could have Drake Jaeger. Something to think about.
Zaire: But I ain’t really trying to recruit you. RZD don’t need to recruit. That’s like Nick Saban begging them top high school juniors and seniors in the nation to join Bama. He doesn’t. He doesn’t have to. He doesn’t have to get on his knees and cry until he gets that kid to verbally commit to them. Nah man he lets the Crimson Tide’s reputation speak for itself. He not only has a winning tradition in place but he churns out draftees. Every year and every first two rounds, I swear Bama has twenty players go. He sets those kids up for the future. We can set you up. You the homie after all.
Eugene: Then why didn’t you go to Alabama? Didn’t they recruit you?
Zaire: I was the top tackle in the nation. Of fucking course, they offered me a scholarship. What a dumb fucking question. WHY YOU SPEAKING OUT OF TURN HUH? Oh my god, I’m steaming right now. The fuck?! Where Sarah and that tight ass of hers at? She the human questionnaire. Man why I got this scrub with me in the first place? Might as well call you JD. This some straight-up bullshit if you ask me...don’t, don’t actually ask me I swear to fucking god imma take your calculator and beat you senseless with it. ARIZONA STATE OFFERED ME SIX FIGURES TO ATTEND THEIR SCHOOL! So my choice was obvious. But like I said, this some bullshit. Ain’t that right Drake? This some bullshit that you have to face me after Jones threw you into the lion's den. He saved himself. He having you lay down on the grenade he set off. That ain’t very team like. Hiding as he has his partner do the dirty work. But fuck it, man. The lines have been drawn. I ain’t gon spare you Drake. Because you have something I want. Something we want. Those tag titles. You the champs and we gonna take that shit from your loose grip.
Eugene: Uh they aren’t the tag team champions.
Zaire: Then who the fuck is?
Eugene: Well, nobody. The Campeonatos de Parejas titles have yet to have champions.
Zaire: The fuck you talking about? I’m asking about the tag titles.
Eugene: Yeah, Campeonatos de Parejas.
Zaire: Look, I’m about to put five heavy books in your hands just so I can slap them outta your hands and make you pick it up.
Eugene: Campeonatos de Parejas are the tag team titles.
Zaire: Ok damn just say that next time. Why you gotta waterboard me with a five minute explanation? Wait so if Drake n Jones ain’t the champs then why we gonna face them for those sweet titles on a later date?
Eugene: Because they are architects.
Zaire: ...
Eugene: Jay selected a wrestler, or in this case, wrestlers to look after a specific division and keep an eye on it. They want the champions to really earn it.
Zaire: That’s dumb tho. Who thought that was a great idea huh? Why was that given the green light the fuck? Shit shoulda been scrapped. But look I can solve this. The only logical move they can make in my humble and unbiased opinion is handing us those titles. Placing them around our waist ya hear? They wasting our time. I got people to do and things to see. The fact of the matter is, we clearly the best team in all of Wrestleworld. We head and shoulders above the competition...for me literally, at 6’7. There ain’t no debate. Stephen A and Max in shambles. But whatever. If I have to jump through hoops to get what we want then we gon do it. I mean, I had the best vertical for OL at the combine three years ago but it’s whatever. I jump at the chance of what I have my eye on. And I have my eye on those titles. When I want something, I take it...I get it. Drake, surely you don’t want to be in my way when I want something right? It won’t end well for you playboi. You should just scoot aside and lemme do what imma do. Leave me be. Don’t poke the bear. Cuz I’m wide awake, this ain’t no hibernation season. But if you must come at me, just know you gonna get mauled like some fresh salmon. You all gonna get mauled. You, Jones, Nobi, Tristan, Havoc, and the worst of all...fuckin Eugene. Y’all gonna get the smoke.
Eugene: What?! No!
Zaire: Yeah. Yeah you. But hey I’m still talkin damn. Bout to borrow my mom’s wooden spoon and beat you. Gonna slap the shit outta you with it ok? But look man, Drake, you saw this coming no? You ain’t no dumb motherfucka. You weren’t born yesterday. You been around the block a few times. You been in this business for years. So what happened on the last Chapter shouldn’t have caught you by surprise. None of you should be surprised. Because D’Lo and I clearly stated that we after them tag titles since day one and shit hasn’t changed. Besides, that’s every team’s goal. So when you had us help you handle some business our first week here and label us as “friends”...it was genius. From your point of view, I see what you did. I’m putting myself in your shoes. But you can’t be in my shoes. Not just cuz they too big for your lil feet, therefore you could never fill my shoes both literally and figuratively, but also, I ain’t letting you crease my new J’s. Like I would legit murder you. Not even joking. But check it, you wanted us all to be buddy-buddy cuz you see us for what we are...we a threat. We big time! You know, just like I know, just like this nerd filming this knows, that we the biggest threat of being the first-ever tag champs in Wrestleworld history. Or whatever they are fucking called. And once we get them, you two get pushed aside. Just like Babayka did. Just like Brian Daniels and that Jaydayne guy did. You ain’t an exception. You ain’t gon be another Claudia where you hold a title hostage. You don’t get that option, sorry. Sike, I’m not sorry. For what I’m gonna do to you, for what I’m gonna take from you. I won’t apologize. The only sorry here is your sorry ass if you think you gon get the upper hand here. See I been bored. I been bored for a long time. I been bored in Wrestleworld. I came to face the best of the best. But it hasn’t been the case so far.
Then again it’s pretty much impossible to face the best. Facing myself would be dumb as fuck. But this competition has been weak as shit. Weaker than the Rams’ new uniforms. Oh my fucking god the fuck is that? Who designed that shit? A student taking an intro to graphic design at a community college? You got me fucked up. But I been bored like I said. At home too. Cuz Z used to that party life. I’m used to getting turnt Monday thru Sunday. But now with quarantine and shit I can’t do that no mo. So what have I been doing to occupy my mind? To keep me from going insane? Simple, I been watching shit. Such as The Last Dance. That shit wild. Especially the episodes focusing on Dennis Rodman. Like the legendary trip to Vegas during the season. But of course it’s mainly about Jordan, the goat. And spoiler alert, but last episode we got to see how Jordan would create these grudges. Some were legitimate like when George Karl was coaching the SuperSonics right? One night he just walked by Jordan in a hotel or restaurant and he didn’t say shit to Jordan. Just ghosted him. It rubbed Jordan the wrong way and it created a grudge. He used that shit to fuel him during the finals. But he also made up some grudges. Like when some random player dropped 35 on him. He said that player told him good game Mike, in a condescending tone, but he made that up to create this anger. Just so he could have that killer’s mentality at all times. It gave him a chip on his shoulder, even when he was already the best. That’s the dog in him. Same shit with me. Drake you’ve been a nice dude to us thus far, for the most part at least. But I don’t give a shit. You could hold the door open for me, walk me across the street, cut my steak for me, wash my many cars, check to see that none of these crazy bitches poked a hole in my condoms...you could do all this shit but it wouldn’t mean much. Cuz this week you getting in the ring with me. You actually going through with it. That kinda pisses me off. Thinking you can stand toe to toe with me. A grudge is being formed here. Makes me wanna take your head off and spike it. Do a little dance afterward. Maybe the salsa, maybe Toosie Slide. Point is, there gonna be some celebrating this week for yours truly. We only getting started tho. The real celebration will be when we get those tag titles. There's gonna be a big parade for it afterward. We gonna get on a double-decker bus and shit and just drive everywhere as a sea of people show us some love. I don’t give a fuck bout social distancing. This is more important. We more important. So real talk, just give us what we want. Trust me, you gon’ want us to do this the easy way.
[Zaire then gets up as Eugene shuts the camera off. The end.]