Una Cazadora Sin Moral (Senor Pinchy Promo for DOMINION 22)

(The camera opens outside of a doorway in Eden where Mallory Montana hops with expectation with a huge smile stretched across her face.)

Mallory Montana: Did you see what they did to him, Pete? I can't wait to rub his face in-

(The door bursts open, revealing Pinchy in a Hawaiian print shirt, beet red flower leis, and a shrimp cocktail nursed in one of his claws. He outstretches his arms in welcoming recognition at the sight of Mallory Montana. He latches onto her with a big one arm hug as the smile quickly fades from her face.)

Senor Pinchy: Man o' war Montana! Hola, hola! Come into mi humble casa mamacita!

Mallory Montana: Hello Pinchy. You seem...well...more happy than I thought you'd be.

Senor Pinchy: Ah, and why wouldn't Pinchy be? Es a time for celebration, si? Why wouldn't Pinchy be extático?

Mallory Montana: I don't know. I figured after how last week's Dominion ended that you'd be a little bit figuratively and literally sore.

Senor Pinchy: Por que? Pinchy got what he a' wanted. Here, take a lei. I'm sure es been awhile since someone threw you one, Mallory Manta Ray!

(Pinchy spins one of his leis off from around his neck with his free claw with the expert precision of a pizza chef tossing dough, only to send it flying up into the air and anticlimactically falling gently around Mallory's neck. Blinking with frustration, Mallory brings the trembling microphone back up to her own mouth.)

Mallory Montana: Alright, enough with the fish puns and festivities; what gives Pinchy?

Senor Pinchy: ...que?

Mallory Montana: The Hip Hunters laid you out and exacted revenge against you in the most brutalizing way possible, and all you have to say for it is 'que'?

Senor Pinchy: Ah, I see, I see. I understang why j'ou are confused. J'ou t'ink dat Pinchy went out there a' no expecting Ambergris Prawn y TeeHay Thompson to get their venganza?

Mallory Montana:...si.

Senor Pinchy: No.

Mallory Montana: No?

Senor Pinchy: No! Pinchy want Ambergris y TeeHay to be angry with him. No more mojigata mierda about honor e respect. No more bravuconería falso about this being about who la mejor lucha es. This es war, Mallory! Es been war since the beginning of my battles against TeeHay. It's gotten so contentious that he had to bring in la mercanaria to do his dirty work por him.

Mallory Montana: Let me get this straight...you...

Senor Pinchy: Si

Mallory Montana: ...Senor Pinchy...

Senor Pinchy: Also si.

Mallory Montana: ...Two-time Hybrid Tag Team Champion...with different partners!

Senor Pinchy: Si, si.

Mallory Montana: ...are accusing someone of hiring a tag partner to take care of their light work?

Senor Pinchy:...

Mallory Montana:...

Senor Pinchy: Ehhh...Regardless

Mallory Montana: UGH!

Senor Pinchy: REGARDLESS! I am contento that Ambergris Prawn es stepping up to the plate for her mang. It gives me a chance to eliminate de pawn en this batalla de ingenio

Mallory Montana: Oh my god, I might vomit at you calling your feud with TJ Thompson a 'battle of wits'.

Senor Pinchy: Ehh..regardless.

Mallory Montana: UGPF!

Senor Pinchy: Senorita Montana, refraing from vomitando en mi puerta!

Mallory Montana: Sorry, sorry. Continue.

Senor Pinchy: They say on dis island that in order to a' survive, j'ou must a' swim or j'ou are doomed to sink.

Mallory Montana: It is a common graphic allusion to the nature of survival, yes.

Senor Pinchy: J'ou see, Pinchy learned a long long LONG time ago from his freshwater great, great, great...

Mallory Montana: He sounds like a great guy.

Senor Pinchy: Silencio..now where was I? Ah j'es...great, great grand crawdad that sinking es the means of survival for mi razza when it comes to outsmarting hunters. A long, long, long...

Mallory Montana: Abridge, please.

Senor Pinchy: Eh, sorry....awhile ago, mi grand crawdad saw a...how j'ou say?...blood hound track a raccoon on the shore of a river.

Mallory Montana: Your English surprises me at times...not as much as your spanglish, though-

(Pinchy tosses his cocktail and shoves the smirking Mallory Montana out of frame and beckons the camera to zoom in closer, like an air traffic controller guiding in an airplane with lanterns. He looks down at the ground, all emotion washed from his masked face as he rocks on his heels in intense recollection.)

Senor Pinchy: He was sitting on de shoreline of a rio when he saw the perra corner the raccoon on a precarious log just barely bridging halfway across de roaring river. The raccoon was nimble, fast, y cunning. He knew he could not beat the dog on tierra. So, he beckoned the perra onto the log. De dog took de bait, and as the river took the log under both of their weight, the raccoon latched it's mitts around the perra's throat. They went under the rapids, a place the raccoon considered a second casa. Bubbles rose from the murky depths...and then they got lost in the foam of the rapids. Then the raccoon slunk back to shore, but like the bubbles that preceded it's demise, the perra was lost to the tide. This week all Amber Pawn y TeeHay Thompson did was leave the shore, bypass the safety of the shallows, and sink to my level. J'ou dipped j'our toe into my world, Amber. J'ou tested the waters, and j'ou found de temperature to j'our liking. TeeHay did the same, and I'll admit that j'ou both caught me off guard. I didn't expect you to sink this low...but at the same time, I eagerly anticipated the opportunity to drag you into the deep. Now that the tide es high y the rapids are blanco, do j'ou think you'll survive en mi mundo? TeeHay isn't here to pull you above the surface this time, so all j'ou are left as a life preserver es the option to either sink or swim. I don't t'ink j'ou can sink much lower without losing sight of the light on the water's surface, but at de same time I don't t'ink j'ou are a strong enough swimmer to pull free from the current of the undertow that I thrive en. Es aguantar o callar hora: It's put up or shut up time. Either j'ou give me the fight of j'our life...because it is....or j'ou are drowned out by aguas oscuras once e for all!

(Pinchy snaps back around to Mallory Montana, causing her to jump with surprise from the crab man's rare display of intensity.)

Senor Pinchy: Now...don't j'ou t'ink that's somet'ing to celebrate? putting some disposable pawn en jaque?

Mallory Montana: Uhum...I-I suppose.

Senor Pinchy: J'ou are clearly not feeling it. Senor Pedro Cameramang! J'ou want to throw back some marga-sea-tas wit j'our amigo Pinchy?

Cameraman Pete: Uhm...sure. Just go easy on the salt.

Mallory Montana: WHAT?!

Senor Pinchy: Perfecto! Entra aqui! vamos!

Mallory Montana: P-Peter?!

Cameraman Pete: Sorry, Mallory.

Senor Pinchy: Vamos Arriba! Get in here before stinky Mallory Montuna tries to crash de fiesta!

Mallory Montana: NOW HOLD ON JUST ONE MINUTE!

Senor Pinchy: Adios bruja!

(Pinchy yanks Cameraman Pete into his domicile. Pete pans around the room, only to find that he's been pulled into a poorly decorated pool utility closet. He spins around to the door just in time to see Pinchy slam it on Mallory Montana's face as an ominous shadow falls over her and catches her attention.)


Betty White: (muffled through the door) Buenos dias you hoodlum!

Mallory Montana: (muffled through the door) Oh god, you invited Betty White!?!

Senor Pinchy: Soooo, j'ou know how to make marga-sea-tas? because Senor Pinchy a' does not!

Betty White: (muffled through the door) Finally I caught up with you, you trollop!

(Pinchy jumps at the sound of Mallory banging on the door as he tries to ignore he cries for help as he measures out a pour of tequila in a coconut shell jigger. He cuts his eyes over to Cameraman Pete, whose lens remains frozen on the only exit.)

Senor Pinchy: Ayeayeaye! Put down de camera and hand me the lime juice.

Cameraman Pete: What about-

Senor Pinchy: Heysoos Christo, it's Betty Blanco! She's ninety-nine j'ears old for dios sake! What's she gonna do? gum Mallory to death? Now gimme a garra with this cocktail!

Mallory Montana: (muffled through the door) Pete! Pete help!

Cameraman Pete: Uhhhh...OK. What do you want me to do Pinchy?

(Pete puts down the camera and the feed cuts to black as the bloodcurdling screams and malicious laughter of Betty White echo through the void.)