Fly Fishing (Senor Pinchy Promo Dominion 26)

(The camera opens on a nearly deserted pier off of the West coast of Wrestleworld just a few miles outside of the Capital. A lone figure stands with a rod cast out, whistling the 'Old Spice' theme to himself, seemingly oblivious to the lack of human life surrounding him. As the camera pans closer, Senor Pinchy comes into view with his tights hiked up to his knees, rubber hip waders on his feet, and a bucket hat sporting multiple lures and hooks on his head, including jigs, spinner bait, a $20 dollar gift card to Red Lobster, and a few flies in a tiny plastic baggy safety pinned to the brim. The cameraman approaches hesitantly, panning down the rod and line, then back up to Pinchy.)

Cameraman Pete: Pinchy?

(Pinchy jumps, nearly startled out from underneath his bucket hat by the sudden break in the silence.)

Senor Pinchy: Jesuscristo senor Pedro Camramang! Where de shell did j'ou come from?!

Cameraman Pete: I was told to meet Mallory down here for a report on what people assumed was someone illegally gaining passage to Wrestleworld Island. I'm guessing she probably saw you from a distance and went the other way before you spotted her...

Senor Pinchy: Senor Pedro Cameramang es federales?!

Cameraman Pete: No, I was just coming out here to make sure some sort of toxic monster didn't wash up onto the shore and try to infect the island. What are you-

Senor Pinchy: shhhh...silencio por favor. J'ou will scare de fish away.

Cameraman Pete: Pinchy, there are no-

Senor Pinchy: Shhhhh....

Cameraman Pete: Nuclear waste makes up-

Senor Pinchy: SHHHHHHH! J'ou are a'scaring away de fishy!

Cameraman Pete: I think industrial parks and toxic sludge dumps did that ages ago. Regardless I-

Senor Pinchy: Uh-uh! J'ou do not say that word! Es my word!

Cameraman Pete: Well, regardless

Senor Pinchy:SHSHSHS!

Cameraman Pete:...

Senor Pinchy:...

Cameraman Pete: RegardlessIfThereIsn'tAnythingGoingOnHereThenI'llBeOnMyWayPinchyBye!

(Pinchy stands stunned as Cameraman Pete takes a long gasp of breath after stringing off that long sentence and thwarting Pinchy's interruptions.)

Senor Pinchy: Are j'ou okay, senor Pedro Cameramang?

Cameraman Pete: Yeah...maybe...I don't know, probably not. I've been exposed to these toxic fumes long enough to probably start the building blocks for some sentient tumo-

Senor Pinchy: Tengo uno!

Cameraman Pete: What?

Senor Pinchy: A bite! I got one! Help Pinchy reel in this catch senor Pedro Cameramang!

(Before Pete can backpedal out of this situation, Pinchy's line goes tense. The crab man is nearly bowled over by a hard tug from something in the murky off-green depths of Wrestleworld beach. Pete props up the camera and quickly rushes around it to grab onto Pinchy's waist and pull backward.)

Cameraman Pete: I can't have you going back into that stuff! Lord knows what you'll turn into if I do!

Senor Pinchy: I did not know j'ou care, senor Pedro Cameramang!

Cameraman Pete: I don't! But I'm not going to be the man with 'last known footage' of Senor Pinchy in my camera! The court system here is brutal!

Senor Pinchy: Aye si! Now pull j'ou pudgy blowfish of a mang!

Cameraman Pete: On three!

Senor Pinchy: Uno...dos...tres!

(Pete pulls back hard on Pinchy as the crab man tries to yank his pole skyward. Suddenly the line snaps. Pinchy falls flat on his ass on the dock.)

Senor Pinchy: Ayeayeaye, that was a...how j'ou say...

Cameraman Pete: Pinchy!

(The camera focuses in on Pete teetering on his heels on the other side of the dock, flailing his arms and trying to prevent himself from falling back into the surf.)

Senor Pinchy: Ah j'es, a precarious situation!

(Pinchy quickly kips up to his feet and grabs Pete's hand and pulls him off of the edge. Pete immediately clutches his chest and collapses exhausted onto the dock. Pinchy shrugs and crumples into a cross-legged seated position beside him.)

Cameraman Pete: Pinchy...you...you saved my life.

Senor Pinchy: J'ou're dam right I did! Pinchy saw j'ou swipe de Rojo Lobster gift card off of the dock after j'ou nearly scared Pinchy to death!

(Defeated, the still panting Pete reaches into his windbreaker and pulls out the gift card as a judgmental Pinchy looks on, shaking his head in disgust. Pete holds out the card to Pinchy. Pinchy reaches out a 'claw' and tries to snip in in half in vain. After a few more pathetic tries he slaps the card out of Pete's hand in frustration, sending it sailing into the foamy waves below in the process.)

Senor Pinchy: Vamos! Pinchy has big fish to fry.

Cameraman Pete: No...no I can't have my life indebted to Senor Pinchy. I just can't!

Senor Pinchy: Hmmm, Pinchy will let j'ou off of the hook on un condition.

Cameraman Pete: Anything.

Senor Pinchy: Give me Mallory's número de teléfono?

Cameraman Pete: No! She'll kill me if I do that, thus voiding your life saving antics altogether!

Senor Pinchy: Ah si, si...then condición dos...ehhh...film a promo?

Cameraman Pete: Sure.

Senor Pinchy: Muy beuno! Arriba senor Pedro Cameramang! J'ou cannot shoot dis masterpiece from la ground.

(Cameraman Pete gets up with a huff and a grunt and disappears behind the camera. Shortly after the camera is lifted and points down to Senor Pinchy sitting cross-legged on the dock.)

Senor Pinchy: Ehhh...are we rolling?

Cameraman Pete: Yeah, we're rolling.

Senor Pinchy: Oh eh...can j'ou like...stop? and then bring me in with a starfish swipe! Si si! That would be muy bueno!

Cameraman Pete: I regret this already...

(The camera fades to black, only to burst back to life with a tacky pink star swipe. Pinchy stands at the end of the dock facing away from the camera as the wind blows through his antennae semi-dramatically.)

Senor Pinchy: Many times Pinchy has went in search of the legendary "El Pez Grande": The Big Fish. Last week I cast mi net out into a sea of enemies and anemones alike in hopes of pulling back a grand prize, but alas victory escaped mi garra at la manos of Indy Darling and...ehhh...some other guy. The original guy, he a'no-show, but regardless; Findy Starfish beat me. Prior to that, I sought out the very oro j'ou hold a'right now "Sole Fry" Don Jordan. I held Campeonatos de Parejas Híbridas dos veces before mi pareja left me high and dry against the Hip Hunters, but this is well documented history, si? J'ou know already. Everyone knows. Pinchy has mucho exito; much success. He es gran estrella; a big star. I proved me losing those titles was not my fault on multiple occasions. I beat both Ambergris y TeeHay solo, and even before I did that I proved that I was not the weak link en mi previous team by beating my own partner for the other half of the oro. I say this because people, they ehhh...take the Pinchy lightly. They threaten to boil him alive, douse him in butter, and consume him as if it is that easy. Numeroso people have made this threat, and j'et Pinchy still stands here as the longest reigning Hybrid Tag Team Champion en company history. Last Pinchy checked it was over 500 days without a loss as champion, but Pinchy will admit that ehhhh there was only uno defense on his record and that was against his own partner, but regardless, es a big deal to be seen on TV for so long with that gold draped around your thorax. J'ou, Don Jordan, j'ou did what Pinchy could not do with his inept y stupida parejas. J'ou beat Hip Hunters. J'ou defended el parejas as a unit and succeeded in j'our defense. Do j'ou know what that makes j'ou? It makes you the living embodiment of 'El Pez Grande'. J'ou embody the ones that got away; the opportunities, the sacrifices in vain, the campeonatos that I lost due to the incompetence of those surrounding me. Beating j'ou symbolically means getting all of that back. It means that Pinchy was right all along in thinking that 'Pinchy? he was not el problema, Alfish Grouper was. Sea-ria was. TeeHay Thompson was.'

(Pinchy turns and faces the camera, feinting shock as his eyes go straight for the lens.)

Senor Pinchy: Oh, Senor Pinchy did not see j'ou there. Perdoname, I have just gone mad spending all day peering over this dock in hopes that the next big thing would swim by and make the time wasted all worthwhile. Part of me sees a glimpse of that in j'ou, "Sole Fry". I t'ink j'ou will set the past right because of what I think I see when I look at j'ou. I see the success I should have, I see the competent pareja that should've been mine, and I see El Dorado out my backdoor. J'ou have become the Moby Prick to mi Captain Acrab, It doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right for what I see when I look at j'ou, and it doesn't matter if I die trying to obtain it; so long as I go down with a fight and j'ou go down with me. Then people will sing songs of how mistreated Pinchy was! They'll tell stories of how he courageously put everyone else en danger trying to get what he wants because he was a grande enough crab to make such sacrifices. It doesn't matter if senor Pedro Cameramang y Marlon-ey Montana go down with the ship, so long as the last thing known about my fate es mi garra sinking into j'our flesh and ripping the corazon from your massive chest!

(Pinchy freezes in a maddened pose with his mandibles parted to reveal a sadistic smile as he thrusts his claw up into the sunlit sky.)

Cameraman Pete: Uh...Pinchy....

(Pinchy glances to the camera and finds himself frozen in the rare moment of self-awareness. He drops his claw and adjusts his hat self-consciously as he clears his throat.)

Senor Pinchy: Regardless...as Pinchy was a'saying before the mierda went off the rails...I like j'ou "Sole Fry". Mostly because j'ou took the titles from TeeHay y Ambergris, but es beside the point; this match has stakes because of what I believe to be true about you. Maybe Pinchy has been en el sol for too long, or maybe he es seeing clearer than his ojos have ever seen before. I want to beat you because I respect what j'ou have accomplished en such a short time en Luchamundo. Por una vez this es about me wanting to prove that I am the better opponent en the ring. Es not about idle vore threats, revolucion, or even the meaning of the word 'hip'. Por una vez I look across de ring and I don't see an enemy, I don't see a how j'ou say? 'rabble rouser', y I don't see some pathetic attempt for sticking up for a loose acquaintance that was facilitated by gold. I see the future of DOMINION, of Luchamundo, of lucha en general e I am intimidated by it, I am intrigued by it, I am overwhelmed by it, y I wish to possess it en mi garra.

(Pinchy holds out his claws, clacking them passively as if to emphasize the point he's making. He looks down at them thoughtfully for a moment, as if questioning their use or integrity, before shaking his head and snapping out of the self-destructive downward spiral of thoughts.)

Senor Pinchy: If it slips through my grasp this time, and it very may, I cannot know for sure if it will or not...but if it does then this will not be the end of my hunt for "El Pez Grande". I've been to every corner of el océano. I know it's darkest depths, it's clearest waters, and it's every nook and cranny, and I will chase j'ou to all four corners if I have to get another shot at beating the man who has everything that I ever deserved. If j'ou were to threaten to cook me alive, squish me into dip, and devour me whole I believe that this familiar threat would be less idle than any other time it has been made in the past. I know this. I know what j'ou are capable of. Know that I know this, so long as j'ou know this "Sole Fry" Don Jordan: it's going to take exactamente that to keep me from chasing j'ou down and claiming dulce victoria. Senor Pinchy does not give his respect willy-nilly, and when he does it es not something to shake driftwood at. I fear what j'ou can do, so long as j'ou do it and have everything that should be mine I will never cease to try and take it from j'ou. I tell j'ou this respectfully. When the traps come back empty, the net lay barren, and the line snaps, the options aren't fish or cut bait. There is no option. Winning is the only choice because failure is just another big fish story of 'almost got'em'. I will have j'ou, "Sole Fry", and until I do the only thing that's left to do is shut up and fish.

(Pinchy picks up his fishing rod off of the dock and sits down with his legs dangling over the water. He pulls more line from the reel and pulls the spare hook from his bucket cap and sets to trying to thread the line through the eye of the hook.)

Senor Pinchy: Dios mios! Es like passing a beluga whale through a canal!...Senor Pedro Cameramang!

Cameraman Pete: Yes Pinchy?

Senor Pinchy: Cut dis talking part out and just fade to black on me putting the hook on the line successfully.

Cameraman Pete: Uhhh sure thing, but first you have to do that.

Senor Pinchy: Mierda! Just fade to black, comprender?!

Cameraman Pete: Got it!

(The camera fades to black on Pinchy trying to force the line through the top of the hook.)

Senor Pinchy: Psst...senor Pedro Cameramang, are we faded out?

Cameraman Pete: Yes

Senor Pinchy: Ah bueno...I PUT THE HOOK ON THE LINE! FUE FÁCIL

Cameraman Pete: And....we're...out!