The Big Fish Hype (Senor Pinchy Promo Arcadia)

(The camera opens inside of a poorly constructed driftwood shed on the oceanfront. The sun peeks through the cracks of the ramshackle hut and onto the ground, shining down on Senor Pinchy's deep fried mask nestled in a circle of sand. A shadow crosses over it as Pinchy's voice emits from off-camera.)

"Nine months. A lot can happen in nueve meses. Life can be conceived, start to form, grow from a seed to a tree. In nine months j'ou can build a home from the fundación up. In nine months j'ou can become a citizen. A lot of productivo things can be done in nueve meses TeeHay, and j'et all j'ou do in this time es try to destroy."

(Pinchy gently runs his claw over the mask, entombing it in sand as he does so.)

"I wont pretend that I didn't come here looking for a revolucion after hearing what j'ou said on television. I wont lie and tell j'ou that my existence here in Luchamundo wasn't brought into existence by j'our own cerebro. I was the single devil whose horns j'ou used as a hat rack when the responsibility and blame placed upon j'our cabeza became too heavy for j'our weak pencil neck to handle. Everyt'ing was mi culpa before I even arrived en este island. Before I rose a'from de deepest recesses of the ocean y j'our fearful mind, I was leading una revolución fantasma; a phantom revolution. When j'ou lost, it was because crab. When j'ou got caught cheating, was called a crab conspiracy. When j'ou failed, instead of a' growing or being an hombre and owning up to j'our shortcomings y trying to get better, j'ou blamed mi raza. Now that j'our excusa has become a reality, j'ou should be happy that j'ou have a reason for losing j'our Hybrid Campeonatos de Parejas, si? J'ou can show the world that j'our demonio es real, and that j'ou were right all along."

(The shadow tilts it's head as it stares down at the shallow grave of the frizzle fried Senor Pinchy mask.)

"...and j'et, j'ou do not seem a'happy. Es it because j'ou know that j'ou are the reason that Ambergris Payne was let down in the end? Es it because j'ou can't handle her making j'our excuses for you because j'ou know that they're lies of j'our own invention? Does it hurt hearing j'our words come out of her mouth without a single hint of blame or self-awareness that they are the words of a conman that j'ou see in the mirror every single dia of j'our miserable life? She pities j'ou. She feels responsible for something that isn't her fault. Es j'our fault, TeeHay. I'm here because of TeeHay Thompson, no otro reason in the mundo. I'm that boogeyman whose name j'ou said too many times while sitting alone in the dark. I'm the chupacabra you went looking for in the forest without any real expectation of finding me. I'm the wolf j'ou cried about before he even arrived in j'our villa. I'm the maldita sea sky a'finally crashing down on j'our pollo pequeño culo after all of j'our clucking at de heavens, and they tell me I'm not allowed to translate any of dat. I'm j'our living, breathing, propaganda; a Frankenstein's monstruo of j'our own creation. People like Mallory Montana ask me all de time why TeeHay Thompson doesn't get a cute fish nickname, and es because the son does not name de father. The invention doesn't name the inventor. Huge fish don't tell the fishermang how big they were before they got away. Es the other way around, si? I am j'our big lie, and this revolution only exists because j'ou dreamed it into existence. What I do es j'our responsibility. When I hurt someone, their blood es on j'our manos. When dis island es reclaimed by the crabs, it'll only be because j'ou spoke dis insurrection into existence. I t'ink you know all of dis already, si? I think j'ou've known for a long time, which es the only reason why j'ou come to Amber Payne's aid. J'ou owe her for all of the heart and backache she's suffered at mi garra. She cannot devour mi alma because j'ou did not bring me into this world with a soul. She cannot destroy mi vasija because you adorned me with a hard shell that only j'ou know how to put cracks en. That's why j'ou keep attacking, keep interfering, keep protecting because j'ou know no matter how tough y driven she es, she doesn't possess la mano que puede crear o destruir; the hand that can create or destroy. I am j'our problemo and j'ours alone. People sling arrows y rocks, but my skin es hard and easily shed; thank dios por that or mi cabeza would've went into the fryer at DOMINION. J'ou have left me in a vulnerable state with j'our actions. J'ou almost carried out the threat that has been on everyone's bocas since j'ou first put it there, and por that I give j'ou a golf snap of mi garra y a warning that vulnerability has only made me all de more desperate y dangerous."

(The shadow of Pinchy slides a mask over it's head as the camera pans backwards out of the shack, revealing it to consist of only two walls. Pinchy turns and looks at the camera with his new 'face', a smile creasing the fresh vinyl as his unblinking mad eyes peer through their freshly cut holes in the mask cloth.)

"At Arcadia uno of dos things es gonna happen. There es no wiggle room, no escaping the net that has been cast over us, no more denying our destinos. Falls Count Anywhere, TeeHay. Nowhere to a' run y nowhere to a' hide. No count outs, no rope breaks, no rules other than win. There's nothing left to save j'ou from me in sight. It's just j'ou and me trapped on this island. Only one of us es gonna claim it por our own. The fairy tale comes to an end and the truth shall be written en it's appendix by the victorioso. Who will survive? de monster or de mang? Mi last bottom sand dollar es on monster. What will j'ou do when I run you across this island until j'ou find the ocean at j'our back and nowhere left to turn? More lies? More deceit? or will j'ou humble j'ourself at the dactyl of j'our own mind's creation y beg for mercy? I hope j'ou do, TeeHay. I hope j'ou show some humility y humanity por once en j'our life. I hope j'ou apologize for spitting veneno at mi raza until j'ou rose me from the briny depths with ringing antennae. I hope j'ou redact every single lie to ever cross j'our parted lips. I hope j'ou become self-aware of how dire a situation that j'ou've talked j'ourself into. I'll happily accept la discupla. I'll make sure the boom microphone es in j'our face for it, and the cameramang zooms en on j'our welling eyes. Every oido will hear the sweet song of j'our intervention, y every ojo will see j'our blanco flesh turn rojo en embarrassment. J'ou will tell them that j'ou are not the best, and that my people are not here to overthrow them. You'll admit that it es 'hype' y not 'hip', and apologize to all of the bilingual viewers en casa for being a confusing pendejo. J'ou will look down the camera and tell Amber that it es j'our fault that she has been bounced off of the floor from the ring twice en nearly career ending lesiones. J'ou will tell her that it was j'our fault that j'ou are no longer campeonatos. After j'our sins have been acknowledged y j'our soul has been cleansed, I shall grab j'ou by both nipples y drag j'ou into the ocean and hold j'ou under until j'our blanco face goes from rojo to azul."

(Pinchy walks out of the shed and looks out over the ocean crashing down on Wrestleworld's shore with a wistful and almost reluctant darkness in his stare.)

"...and then I'll drag j'our cadáver back to land, crab walk over j'our body, and squat down and sea-bag j'ou for the tres. That'll be the end of TeeHay Thompson más probable. Who knows? Maybe Amber will pity j'ou one last time, even after you profess j'our shortcomings and come to revive j'ou. No sé, humangs are...eh...how j'ou say?...unpredictable, volatile, and complex organisms. Dios knows j'ou stand a better chance of her showing up than I do of Alice Grouper or Searia materializing out of the clear blue ocean. I feel like I've done enough to show that I never needed them as mi parejas. I've done enough with and without them to prove their existence in my corner was inconsecuente. Can j'ou put me away sin Ambergris? All I know is that j'ou don't have to. But if she does show her ugly humang head around us during our combate de la lucha, maybe Pinchy wont be a' such a soft shell this time. There are plenty of places on the island that are higher than a ring apron that he can drop her off of. The bands are off, TeeHay. They always are when it comes to j'ou and I, but dis time es the last time and I plan on doing plenty of work on your anatomia, and this time I'm using the bigger, meatier, dominant garra. I plan on taking something away from j'ou as a souvenir, y this time mi garra isn't looking to reach high enough to take j'our nariz. I came to dis island to find an hombre to fight, but so far I haven't ran across any mang. My advice to j'ou TeeHay es that perhaps j'ou should look deep down inside of j'ourself and find j'our manghood before Pinchy a' finds it for j'ou. HammurCrabbi's Code says a ojo por ojo, a mano por mano, y diente por diente. Unlucky por j'ou TeeHay, j'ou didn't take my eye, my hand, or my tooth; j'ou lived up to j'our promise y took my head, so now I am coming for j'our cabeza pequeña."

(Pinchy reaches over with his bigger, dominant, claw and yanks a driftwood twig out of his makeshift hut and immediately snaps it in two upon clasping it.)

"Adios amigo. Now j'ou are amiga."

(The camera fades to black as the two halves of the twig roll off of Pinchy's dominant claw and fall into the sand with a barely audible 'puff'. Just as the camera's almost fully completely gone pitch dark, it comes back to life to a shouting Pinchy.)

Senor Pinchy: I AM GOING TO CUT OFF HIS PENE! COMPRENDER PEDRO?!

Cameraman Pete: Yeah, Pinchy. I...I got it.

Senor Pinchy: J'ou sound like j'ou're still hungover mang. Lets go get some hair of the dogfish that bit ya, si?

(At the mention of more alcohol, Cameraman Pete audibly swoons as the camera goes tumbling down into the sand on it's side. Suddenly Pinchy pops in upside down over the top of the frame.)

Senor Pinchy: ehhhh..Pedro? How do j'ou turn dis t'ing off, esse-

(Pinchy reaches out to grab the camera lens, which results in an audible glass crunch as the camera cuts to black abruptly.)