Año del Cangrejo (Senor Pinchy Promo 1 for War of the Worlds)

(The camera opens on Mallory Montana standing in front of a packed line with a mic in one hand while she straightens her hair with the other. She self-consciously looks off camera.)

Mallory Montana: Are we rolling?

(After a momentary pause of confirmation, her blank expression snaps into a welcoming smile.)

Mallory Montana: Hi everyone! Today I'm out here at Wrestleworld's first major coffee franchise opening! It's the first of hopefully many outside industries that Jaywalker is vieing to attract to Wrestleworld, but one has to wonder what the locals think of this land of wrestling and opportunity taking on such a capitalist mainland juggernaut. I've been sent out as a 'man on the street' to see what the Wrestleworld native think. What about you, sir?

(Mallory cheeses at the camera as she blindly stretches her arm out to tap the back of the person in front of her. As her finger extends, she's surprised to hear the hollow tap of hard plastic as she prods the patron's back for attention. The patron turns and faces the camera, revealing themselves to be none other than Senor Pinchy in his freshly acquired blue Koopa shell.)

Senor Pinchy: Hola Mallory Montezuma Swordfish!

(Mallory cuts her eyes at Pinchy, and then back to the camera in panic. She double takes to make sure her eyes aren't betraying her. As soon as reality fully sets in, her face goes into her free hand in frustrated regret for ever taking this op ed.)

Mallory Montana: Pinchy...w-wh-why are you here? I can't, man. I just...can't with you,okay?

Senor Pinchy: I am here for puppuccino. I hear Starfishbucks sells them, si? And maybe I pick up a sea salt caramel macchiato too? If there's time.

Mallory Montana: Okay...I swore I wouldn't do this again but I gotta know, ya know? I-I have to know; What, pray tell, does the crab man need with a puppuccino?

Senor Pinchy: I am going to use it to catch stray perro.

Mallory Montana: Aww, Pinchy that's kinda sweet. You want to rescue a puppy? I didn't know you liked dogs.

Senor Pinchy: Like'em? Ellos estan muy deliciousos! Besides, I think the pound is catching on...Is this line long to j'ou? perdoname.

(Mallory's face freezes in abject horror at the thought of Pinchy devouring dogs as Pinchy removes his shell and flings it off camera, only for it to come back moments later as the line moves slightly forward.)

Mallory Montana: You're eating dogs, Pinchy?

Senor Pinchy: Si. Most of Wrestleworld's establishments...eh...how j'ou say?...discriminate against me taking patronage in their restaurants.

Mallory Montana: Because you're a crab?

Senor Pinchy: No, because I smell. Some do let me in, but when I place a reservation and show up, I am the only one there and they try to boil me.

Mallory Montana: That's horrible!

Senor Pinchy: Si! So I eat perro.

Mallory Montana: That's worse!

Senor Pinchy: Si. Am mucho feliz Senorita Whitefish is no longer hanging around. She would be so angry, si?

Mallory Montana: She's not around you anymore Pinchy because she's stalking me!

Senor Pinchy: Aye yai yai...perdoname, does this line seem like it's taking a'too long to j'ou?

(Pinchy Frisbees his shell off camera once more, only for it to return to his hand almost instantly as the line once again moves forward one step. Mallory looks around, confused, and then lays eyes on the shell.)

Mallory Montana: What just happened? Wait...is that...?

Senor Pinchy: Si, is blue Koopa shell. Alfish Gamer gave it to yo after old tag pareja and her bruja amiga destroyed my other shell. Ehh..Perdoname, do j'ou have somewhere else to be? Un momento.

(Pinchy rears back to toss the blue shell once again, but this time Mallory puts two and two together and snags his elbow.)

Mallory Montana: Don't! You're taking out the head of the line, aren't you?

Senor Pinchy: Si, anyone ahead o' me shall taste the wrath of mi concha azul!

Mallory Montana: Dios mios, how did I get roped into another Pinchy interview...

Senor Pinchy: Am I holding j'ou up from getting coffe? I can just-

Mallory Montana: STOP IT! Practice patience, Pinchy! You're probably going to need all of the practice you can get with Alice Gamer as your new partner.

Senor Pinchy: Ah, si. Muy temperamental. Dat girl is friggin' loco, si?

Mallory Montana: Si.

Senor Pinchy: But es okay, because now she es motivated by de campeonatos and no longer wants to...eh...how j'ou say?...ah j'es...BOIL ME A-FRIGGIN'-LIVE!

Mallory Montana: That seems to be a common sentiment around Wrestleworld. I'm beginning to understand why...

(Pinchy grumbles and threatens tossing his blue shell at Mallory as she daydreams about Pinchy meeting a hot, salty, bath in a metal pot. She snaps back to reality just in time to hold her hands up in fear as Pinchy begins to flick his wrist.)

Mallory Montana: I'M VEGAN! I'm vegan.

(Pinchy's scowl softens, and then turns back to rage as he studies the long line.)

Senor Pinchy: Es dis line muy largo to j'ou?

Mallory Montana: Sure, kid. Knock yourself out. As long as it's not aimed at me..

(Pinchy lets his wrist unfurl. The camera follows along this time as the shell flies over everyone's head in line and heads toward the front of the pack where a sharp dressed business man argues with a barista.)

Barista: Sooo...It's Mercy?

????: No, it's Per-AGH!

Barista: Is that with one G or-

(The shell clocks the man in the head, causing him to fall over into a growing pile of bodies at the head of the line. The shell then flies back to Pinchy's waiting claw. He nonchalantly slides it back over his shoulders and continues his conversation with Mallory.)

Mallory Montana: So what are your thoughts on your opponents heading into War of the Worlds? I don't think Amber Payne had a claw to pick with you until you nearly ended her career in your last match, but now she seems to be on the 'boil Pinchy' bandwagon.

Senor Pinchy: Ah, si, Senorita Ambergris takes things demasiado personalmente. I did not mean to drop her so hard. I was acting in desesperación. I cannot be held accountable for my actions during a moment of weakness. She should be proud she even managed to make such a hard-shelled cangrejo resort to such acts.

Mallory Montana: You put her on the shelf for nearly half a month, Pinchy. I don't blame her for being a little salty.

Senor Pinchy: Who doesn't like salt? and what's wrong with being in shell?!

Mallory Montana: Oh my god...cómo se dice...estante...SHELF!

Senor Pinchy: Ah, si, si, estante...Well, es time of año for Elf on Shelf, j'es?

Mallory Montana: Pinchy...

Senor Pinchy: What j'ou want me to say, mang? Es lucha! People get hurt e'sometimes. Chica needs to lighten up.

Mallory Montana: I don't know Pinchy. You seemed pretty blatant in drilling her spine into the floor.

(Pinchy continues scanning the line of people in front of him, barely hearing Mallory's words. She tugs on his arm to get his attention, which snaps him back around to the conversation with a clear moment of self-conscious embarrassment.)

Senor Pinchy: Perdoname? oh, ah...well, spines are weak. She should develop a shell instead. Es this line taking forever or what? Am I right, amiga?

(Mallory begins to answer, but before she can even get a word out Pinchy's tossed his shell out to take out the head of the line once more. The line takes one robotic step forward in unison as Pinchy recaptures his shell and Mallory rolls her eyes in frustration.)

Mallory Montana:...Moving on to TJ Thompson.

Senor Pinchy: TeeHay?...Ah, j'es, el chico sin cojones; The boy without...eh...how j'ou say? ah, j'es..BALLS!

Mallory Montana: PINCHY!

Senor Pinchy: What? Alfish Gamer said so. She say Ambergris Payne took them.

Mallory Montana: Actually, if you were paying attention, you'd know she said that she was surprised that Amberg-...ugh! Amber Payne didn't take them.

Senor Pinchy: Oh, then who took them?

Mallory Montana: Well...no one. At least not to my knowl-


Senor Pinchy: Then maybe I take them?

Mallory Montana: ....

(Mallory glowers as Pinchy pantomimes snipping off TJ Thompson's testicles with his claws.)

Senor Pinchy: ...Si?

Mallory Montana: No.

Senor Pinchy: iNo entiendo!: I don't understand. Why is it bien for people to threaten to boil me alive in a pot, but once I so much as hint at or attempt to put them away I am suddenly chico malo?

Mallory Montana: Ummm because you eat dogs...

Senor Pinchy: es irrelevante. J'ou didn't know that until today!

Mallory Montana: Okay, Pinchy. You want me to throw down the facts? I'll tell you why you're 'cico malo'; You kidnapped a section of Wrestleworld's AV department, you drove sweet little Saria insane with your antics and then ripped out her retainer!

Senor Pinchy: Ehhh perdoname

Mallory Montana: I'm not finished! You held Betty White as a prisoner until she went mad from consuming too much bird blood, and you've almost single-handedly-

Senor Pinchy: -Clawedly-

Mallory Montana: -ruined my passion for being a reporter, not to mention the fact that I can't watch Golden Girls anymore without fear of Rose Nylund jumping out of the TV set like the little girl from the ring and exacting a revenge on me that, quite frankly, I don't think I deserve! You're the bad guy, Pinchy! You're such a bad guy that even Billie Eilish did a crab walk in that weird music video because she knows it's the only way she could be anywhere near the bad guy that you are!

Senor Pinchy: Who es dis boy? How j'ou say?...Billy I-Fish?

Mallory Montana: It doesn't matter, Pinchy. It's damn near a dated reference at this point. That's how out of touch you are with society and it's view of you. Nobody likes you, Pinchy. Not Saria, not TJ, not Amber, and most certainly not Alice Gamer. You're right though, she's going to stick by your side so long as you wear matching belts to the ring. Hopefully that will be over soon though, because the entirety of Wrestleworld is rooting against the two of you. They say you don't deserve a second chance, and that Alice doesn't deserve a first one, and ya know something Pinchy? I agree. because I don't like you either!

(Pinchy's jaw drops at Mallory's pent up outburst finally erupting from her tiny vegan frame. Mallory, sensing Pinchy's completely caught off guard thousand yard stare, adjusts her hair and averts her eyes.)


Mallory Montana: Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to continue with my interviews of these fine patrons who are actually waiting patiently to get a coffee instead of hurling blue shells at the head of anyone in front of them. Believe it or not I'm not here for you. Not everything's about you. This will be the last time we ever talk if I can help it, Pinchy. We're going to head up in line to talk to some of the people who will actually get a coffee today before the store closes. Vaya con dios pendejo Pinchy.

Senor Pinchy: Mi corasone...

(Mallory turns and walks away from the now visibly dejected and crestfallen Pinchy. She heads to the front of the line, motioning for the camera to follow. The camera hesitates to leave the sulking crab man, visibly shrugs, and then follows Mallory to the front of the line as she shoves her microphone into the face of a familiar looking blonde young woman.)

Mallory Montana: Ah, I didn't expect to see another Wrestleworld employee here. What'd you order?

Cynthia Rose: I ordered a Pink Pegasus Frappu-Ohmigosh!

(Suddenly a blue shell comes flying on screen, pegging Mallory in the temple and sending her sailing over the barista bar as Cynthia Rose covers her mouth in confused fright. The camera man pans over to look down the line just in time to catch a shot of Pinchy scuttling out of file and out into the busy streets. The camera pans back to Mallory, then back to the fleeing Pinchy crab walking down the sidewalk, visibly shrugs once more, and then heads out the door after the crab man as the shot fades to black, only to come up once again moments later on the shore of Wrestleworld beach where Pinchy sits in a hole dug out in the sand watching the tide rolling in.)

Senor Pinchy: I'm fed up with it all, Wrestleworld. The conspiracies, the betrayal, the bigotry, and the threats. I've faced it ever since I scuttled out of the ocean and on to dry land. I thought it was worse out in the deep dark down of the deep blue sea, but in truth there are just as many predators out to get me on the shore. They spread unfounded rumors about crab riots, they turn against me on a dime, they hate me for being a crab. They all want to boil me alive and devour me whole. Well I have news for you Wrestleworld; this new shell? It doesn't turn soft and red when the heat's turned up on the burner. My former pareja decided to try and go it alone after I proved irrefutably that I was better than her, but Wrestleworld has given me a+1UP in the form of Alice Gamer as a new pareja. We don't get along. I don't trust her, and she doesn't trust me, but she's already proven that she has my back more than Saria ever did.

(Pinchy slides off his blue koopa shell and places it in front of him in the sand.)

Senor Pinchy: For that reason alone, I will be indebted to her so long as our reign persists, and I plan on making sure that it goes far past War of the Worlds, Even if I didn't have a debt to pay with Alice, I have unfinished business in this match. TeeHay, j'ou are the one mang in Luchamundo that I have not overcome in the ring. J'ou haven't pinned me, and I haven't pinned j'ou, but you did cost me my one loss on the books by distracting me from the ring while your pareja picked up the win. I'm wise to your antics now, perro. I know that all this talk and insinuation of crab riots is nothing but a distraction. J'our entire existence is a distraction from the fact that j'ou are no good in the ring. Maybe j'ou were wise to pick such a talented partner in Ambergris Payne. She is focused, goal oriented, and driven to get ahead even if it means pairing up with a stupido like j'ou. I'm sure you didn't expect a crab mang to show up once you started spouting propaganda about mi raza on television to get attention. To j'ou, it was just more nonsense to spew in order to get a spot on the show, but to me it was a call to action. J'ou see, you weren't wrong in thinking crabs are tired of this oppressive relationship that we have with humangs. We're sick of being fished, farmed, and flayed for buffet consumption. We planned a peaceful protest against the likes of you and j'our highest in command in this anti-crab army. We were going to take it to your Captain D's, your Long John Silver's, and the most infamous of all among mi raza; the dreaded Joe hiding deep within his murder shack. We were willing to lose life and limb, for what is life without freedom? besides, most of us can regrow limbs, BUT IT WOULD STILL BE A'SACRIFICE! There was going to be no sangre spilled on our end, no devouring humans whole to see how much they liked it...but now? now that we've been politizado contra: politicized against, I'm wondering if maybe now is time for drastic measures....

(Senor Pinchy lifts the shell out of the sand, revealing his half of the Hybrid Tag Team Championships. He then places the blue shell on top of his head and hunches down into his dugout, leaving only his beady eyes visible as they remain glued to the title as he peers through the minuscule crack between sand and shell. After a long silent moment filled only with the roar of the ocean crashing to shore, Pinchy's voice begins to echo from beneath his new blue habitat.)

Senor Pinchy: J'ou see, most crabs are trap predators. We set out the bait, we dig ourselves in, and we wait for our prey to bite. J'ou have bitten, TeeHay. Ambergris has bitten too, which es exactamente what I wanted. I have unfinished business with the both of you. So long as you're both still walking, I'll have unfinished business. Idle threats of boiling me alive or kicking mi culo
en español on social media will not be tolerated any longer. J'ou want oro? J'ou want venganza? Beuno, because that was the bait! No longer shall Senor Pinchy and his people be relegated to corny jokes or mass consumption. J'ou wanted a War of de Worlds, Luchamundo? Fine! War were declared! Up until recently there were no hard feelings or crab riots, but the longer I spend on land, the more I feel the pressure to stand up and fight for and alongside mi hermanos cangrejo! Viva la revolución! Call me Che Garra-vara if j'ou must, for I am here to strike fear in the hearts of the cowards who dare threaten to kill me! The red menace has arrived to Luchamundo, and it is not communism: Soy crab! At first we were content to scuttle alongside of mangkind, but now? now that the claw cracker has been cast and the butter melted, we are not content with merely coexisting. With this blue shell, I shall knock mangkind off of the top of the food chain and take it's place, ruling with an iron garra!

(Pinchy springs out from under his shell, lashes out a claw toward his title, snatching it up with one fell swoop, and then disappears beneath his shell once more.)

Senor Pinchy: We're ready to take things to a whole new water level, where humangs will sink and we will rise to the surface as king crabs. The times of struggle are over. Now is time for us to take DOMINION over DOMINION! When it's all said and done, j'ou wont need Alice Gamer to tell you just how much water levels suck. It is time for us to use our claws and clampdown on the societal order. Arriba mi hermanos! Brandish your cocktail swords, for trecero de Enero shall live in infamy as the beginning of the end of humangity and the dawn of the year of the crab!

(Pinchy's shell lowers all the way into the sand, concealing him completely within his dugout as other crabs surface from the shore and crawl toward the spiky blue monolith as the camera begins fading to black.)