Paradise Lost...At Sea? (Senor Pinchy Promo 1)

(A loud music sting bursts to open the broadcast as professional news graphics and clips of fluff pieces flash across the screen. Suddenly, Senor Pinchy appears in one of the clip windows, holding up his claws and dancing in place as the graphic floats on by. He's quickly replaced by the image of a sea otter swimming with the current, before suddenly a claw pops out from under the water and drags it down. As if trying to avoid the image of Senor Pinchy's sinister gaze breaching the current, the graphics star swipe to a turtle trapped in a plastic soda can ring. Pinchy hops into frame and snips the plastic, freeing the sea turtle before giving a claw's up to the camera as his image once more slides off screen. The booming voice of a narrator brings the music to a crescendo as the network logo appears on screen.)

Narrator: This...Is Sea-NN.

(The network logo spins away, revealing Senor Pinchy standing at a podium on a dock in front of a sea of clicking cameras and shouting reporters wading through the briny low tide in clashing business suit jackets and swim trunk ensembles.)

Senor Pinchy: Uno a la vez! Uno a la vez! Please, one at a time, pendejos!

Reporter 1: Senor Pinchy! Senor Pinchy! Big Catfish here from the Toadstool Sports blog. Why did you call this press conference today?

Senor Pinchy: Ah j'es, the million sand dollar question! I am a'here to address mi combate de lucha libre at Lost en Paradise against Axel Tilapia, Yimmy Sandwich Mang, e Min-Finding-Dory. Es Boatyard Brawl fatal de cuatro vías. I shall throw them en la agua and win the match, si? Now, for question numero dos. Whose next?

Reporter 2: Pinchy! Pinchy! Hi, Dave Tunameltzer from Fisher-Four Online.

Senor Pinchy: Ah Si! Senor Tunameltzer gave my last match tres starfish outta tres.

Reporter 2: Actually, it was out of ten.

Senor Pinchy: Oh...Next reporter then!

Reporter 2: Wait, wait! I, uh, just wanted to know what your thoughts were on Hayakawa Minori. You two haven't had much in-ring time together and I'm a huge fan of hers considering she's from Japan and uh, you know, no one else has heard of her.

Senor Pinchy: A'typical Tunameltzer. I bet j'ou gave her last match diez estrellas de mar!

Reporter 2: Uh, yeah, uh actually I gave her twelve.

Senor Pinchy:...but j'ou say es diez starfish scale.

Reporter 2: Yes, but it turns out this uh um starfish had more scales than usual.

Senor Pinchy: A'before I ignore your existence for the remainder of mi vida, I shall answer j'our question. Kayak Minori es great wrestler, si? She doesn't win much, but she es muy talentosa. I a'hope to see more of that...A'BEFORE I THROW HER OVERBOARD! Próxima pregunta!

Reporter 3: Aye! Senor Pinchy! Pick Me!

Senor Pinchy: J'es, de gentlemang with a claw hand.

Reporter 3: Yarrr, that be a hook. Bryan AlvARRRRGHez from the Seamen Podcast: What are ye feelin's toward Axel Topnotch going into this Boatyard Brawl against such a swarmy crew of landlubbers?

Senor Pinchy: Ah, si, Senor Tilapia 'as been a thorn in mi thorax for awhile now. He es a'responsible for two of my rare losses in Wrestleworld. Neither time did I eat de pinfall, let that be known, ¿comprendido? I am looking to a'throw de spacemang over a'first. I t'ink he'll sink the quickest considering all of de mierda en su cabeza. Not a smart idea to wear giant stinking metal horns to a Boatyard Brawl. Next question.

Reporter 4: Pinchy! Pinchy! Down here!

Senor Pinchy: Ah j'es, de female reporter lady whom I have never seen a'before.

Reporter 4: Riiiight...Mallory Montana from Wrestleworld; I was just wondering if you fear the multi-time Last Word Champion and lucha legacy Jimmy Johnson?

Senor Pinchy: Es este campeonato oficial?

Mallory Montana: No, no wrestling federation truly recognizes the Last Word Championship, but-

Senor Pinchy: Estupida question. Sandwich mang will obviously fall into agua e disintegrate or be devoured por seagulls. I understand why I a'never heard of j'ou. J'ou suck at dis.

Mallory Montana: Pinchy, I've interviewed you more than anyone! I can't believe you made me come out here today with the rest of these dirt sheet reporters! Never mind the fact that we're in the mud and I'm getting sand in my pumps!

Senor Pinchy: Next question, regardless.

Mallory Montana: Don't you dare blow me off-

Senor Pinchy: A'NEXT QUESTION REGARDLESS!

Mallory Montana: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS!

Senor Pinchy: NEXT QUESTION RE-GARRA!

Joy: hello.

Senor Pinchy: Oh, hola Alegria para Luchamundo! What an honor! Why are j'ou down in de water? J'ou'll fry tus circuitos.

Mallory Montana: I don't believe this bullsh-

Joy: Searching...translating...Hola, Senor Pinchy. ¿Conoces siquiera las reglas de un Boatyard Brawl lucha libre?

Mallory Montana: What'd she say...?

Senor Pinchy: Please, Senorita Montuna, j'ou are embarrassing a' j'ourself. Aren't j'ou latina?

Mallory Montana: What is even going on here?!

Senor Pinchy: To answer j'our brillante question, Senorita Alegria...eh...perdoname...I have to get my response translated into English. Es muy complejo. Could j'ou eh...come up a'here and translate por favor?

(Senor Pinchy extends his claw out into the audience toward Mallory Montana. She narrows her shoulders and walks toward the stage with a condescending huff at every dirt sheet writer as she passes. Once she reaches the dock, Pinchy pie faces her down into the shallows. Joy walks up, using her broadcast partner as a step up, and takes Pinchy's hand as he pulls her up onto the dock. Pinchy darts his head around suspiciously as he sequesters Joy to the side and whispers into her ear, cupping his claw so no one can see his mandibles move. Meanwhile, Mallory sits up out of the sludge and seaweed, shaking the wet sand off of her formal halter crop top as she struggles to stand up.)

Joy: Ah, si si...the word you're looking for is 'no'.

Mallory Montana: REALLY!?!

Senor Pinchy: Ah, si. Gracias Senorita Alegria.

Joy: No problem [ W r e s t l e w o r l d c l i e n t ]

Mallory Montana: IT'S THE SAME IN ENGLISH AND SPANISH YOU STUPID FISHY FU-

Senor Pinchy: Perdoname, no a'further questions. Gracias por venir hoy; a'thank j'ou for coming out today.

(There's a grumbling among the press as they slowly wade out of the shallows as Pinchy paces the docks with his claw up to his chin as Joy stands stationary with a blank expression on her face. The incensed and drenched Mallory Montana is the last to exit the waters. She stomps up the shore and quickly cuts a harsh u-turn at the docks and makes her way toward Pinchy, passing her seemingly shut down broadcast partner in the process. As she reaches Pinchy, she steps into his paced out path and shoves him.)

Senor Pinchy: Aye aye aye, wha's wrong wit'choo bruja?

Mallory Montana: What's wrong with me?...WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?! I SPENT THE LAST HOUR WADING KNEE DEEP IN THE OCEAN JUST TO SECURE MY SPOT IN THE FRONT OF THE LINE FOR THIS PRESS CONFERENCE AND YOU BARELY ACT LIKE YOU KNOW ME!?!

Senor Pinchy:..perdoname...a'have we met, senorita?

(Mallory grabs Pinchy by the antennae and yanks his face close to hers.)

Mallory Montana: YES!

Senor Pinchy: Ah tranquila, Mallory Montuna. Estoy bromeando.

Mallory Montana: Well it's not a funny joke! I'm drenched, Pinchy! My dress is ruined, I lost a heel in that...that quicksand under the water, and my contact fell out when you shoved me to the ocean floor!

Senor Pinchy: TRANQILA!

Mallory Montana: Only come to find out, you haven't even been in a Boatyard Brawl!

Senor Pinchy: SILENCIO!

Mallory Montana: This isn't a Cobra Kai Dojo, I'm not just going to shut up just because you yell quiet at me!

(Pinchy quickly grabs Mallory by the lips with his claw and holds them shut.)

Senor Pinchy: Gracias...now, a'listen to me Senorita Montuna; A'we are not amigos. J'ou've made that perfectly clear over the past few months.

Mallory Montana: Mmmph!

Senor Pinchy: Shhh! Shhshshshsh!...Sh! I owe j'ou no a'scoop, no story, e no explanation as to why I am going to win at Boatyard Brawl. My record en DOMINION habla volumes. I have beaten every single competitor in this match on dry land, some múltiple times. Now that I have them en mi DOMINION, de sea, why do j'ou think something will change? If anything I will beat them quicker. So a'tell me: why do j'ou doubt me?

(Senor Pinchy presses his antenna up to Mallory's lips for a response. She glares at him with frustration, not sure if this is a bit or if he's this stupid. After a long pause she finally rolls her eyes and points at her lips still firmly grasped in his dominant claw. Pinchy lets go.)

Senor Pinchy: A'sorry.

Mallory Montana: Ow...thank you. Do you even understand how this match works?

Senor Pinchy: De same way every match works: last mang standing es winner. J'ou can dress it up, put it on a boat, surround it with electric eels, e call it something else all j'ou want. Lucha es lucha, and I am estupendo at lucha.

Mallory Montana: You're 'stupendo' alright...

Senor Pinchy: Watch it. I will wrap my garra around j'our boca quicker than you can a'spit if j'ou start with me again.

Mallory Montana: So you're confident in your abilities to win. What's new?

Senor Pinchy: Nothing is new. If it were, I'd have a reason to not be a'confident, si? I am still undefeated en Luchamundo. No one a'has pinned o submitted me. Axel Topnotch can eat all of de pins he wants to, it doesn't change de fact that I'm not the one down for de tres count. Yimmy Sandwich Mang can tag with a better mang and pick up a victory vicariously, but eso no lo hace un ganador; That does not make him a winner. Out on the open sea it's every womang, sandwich mang, spacemang, e crab mang for themselves. No more holding garras and winning through osmosis. No more losing because the weaker link in the match eats the pinfall. I have tread water in the shallows por too long in DOMINION, Senorita Montana. I am a former dos veces Hybrid Campeonato de Pareja, one of de few in our sport who can claim such without losing the campeonato more than once. The Jewel of Atlantis may have slipped through me garra, but I shall find the key to paradise soon enough. I am enfermo de being on the losing team. It's cost me mi casa, mi oro, e mi focus on what's importante. I'm done with letting the tide carry me en all different directions: at Lost en Paradise, Senor Pinchy starts swimming against la marea. J'ou wanted an exclusive, Senorita Montana? There is j'our exclusive. Now if j'ou will perdoname, I have a match to prepare for. Please, take Hoy and get out of my sight.

Mallory Montana: Fine! Fine! Yeesh. Wait...you couldn't translate the word 'no', but you know the words 'osmosis' and 'vicariously'?

Senor Pinchy: NO FURTHER QUESTIONS!

Mallory Montana: Okay! Got it! I'm leaving...

(Mallory turns to walk back off of the dock toward shore, grabbing Joy's hand and guiding her away as Pinchy heads the other direction and dives off of the end of the dock into the surf below. The camera begins to fade just as Pinchy re-emerges from the waves and starts paddling out.)