Jimmy Johnson talks to a mayonnaise jar, proving that he's gone mad

TARADALE, VICTORIA
SOME HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE MONDAY 9 AM

Jimmy is lying on a couch eating maltesers from those value buckets, watching his match against Jacob Striker, more specifically the end of the match. Jimmy watches as he gets a roll up pinfall on the number one contender.

The Undercard Jimmy: This is great, honestly some of my best work right here, he never saw it coming, but you see the best part is just coming up.  

Jimmy motions back to screen, while he’s celebrating he gets sidelined by a bitter Jacob Striker after the match, Striker is seen leaving the ring as security rush out, while walking up the ramp Striker glares back at our downed hero, "UNDERCARD" Jimmy Johnson. in the ring.

Jimmy pauses the recording here.

The Undercard Jimmy: You see that? That's my best work, he can beat me up as me as much as he wants, he knows that he just got humiliated. Mr. Number one contender, Mr. Whooped the GMs ass, Mr. My mother has the 11th best mouth in the Northwestern hemisphere. This guy is seen as a big deal and he was expected to win this match easily and he didn’t. No matter what he did after, he could have pulled out a knife and sliced out one of kidneys out and feasted upon it for all to see, but that wouldn’t change the fact that he lost to a guy like me.

He reaches down to grab another Malteser from the Maltser value bucket for $4.50 at any local woolworths, but what he finds is a Mayonnaise jar.

Mayonnaise Jar: Oh look, it's my favourite bitch. Since you betrayed the Greatest Council known to man I have been sent to destroy you >:)/-<

The Undercard Jimmy: …… They sent you? Out of everyone, the council of Jimmys and/or Johnsons could send, you were the one most likely to kill me?

Johnson the Mayonnaise Jar: What? Our rivalry is legendary, no other epic of good & evil can match our storied battles, but this time I shall defeat you>:)/-<

The Undercard Jimmy: You know, even though you have no limbs, orifices, markings or anything to distinguish yourself from other Mayonnaise Jars, that somehow doesn’t stop you from being able to strike a pose.

Johnson the Mayonnaise Jar: You bet!! >:)/-<

The Undercard Jimmy: Seems like you only have one pose, guess you just got so much swagger standing still like that just radiates that power from you.

Our hero, Jimmy, still holding the Mayonnaise Jar, carries it into the backyard while the Mayo Jar is helpless in stopping him. Jimmy then throws it at a fence. The jar screams as it is hurled into the hardwood fence

Johnson the Mayonnaise Jar: oh god.. Heavenly father, allah whatever god is the right or real one.. Please save me

Jimmy picks up the jar and chucks it at a wall this time.

Johnson the Mayonnaise Jar: No… there is no God, nothing, nobody is going to save me… I am being tormented & laughed at by the cosmic universe itself, it's been like that ever since that night. It all started back in the bizarre summer of 1999, when my labbel got pierced by an-

Jimmy picks up the jar again before the jar could finish. He begins to climb a ladder to the roof, the jars eyes widen with horror

The Undercard Jimmy: How do you even do that? You. Don’t. Have. Eyes. Or anything that could display emotion or speak words, yet you find a way to do so anyway.

Johnson the Mayonnaise Jar: Please don’t do this. I- I- I don’t want to die.. I’ll leave you alone for good! I’ll never bother you again! Please please, oh please don’t drop me!

The Undercard Jimmy: For someone who, every 9 hours, can teleport anywhere, why didn’t you teleport into my skull, so you’d actually have finished your job of assassinating me, instead of just teleporting into my hand to gloat & annoy me? Better yet, why would I let you go? So in 9 hours you can actually kill me?

Johnson the Mayonnaise Jar: Back when you were at the Council of Jimmys/or Johnsons you we’re so soulless and empty, you’d barely even acknowledge a mayonnaise jar was talking to you, you’d stare right through me, I thought you were just some janitor who didn’t care about anything anymore and I wanted to watch you in your broken state. Now though, I see that I misjudged your character, you didn’t forget to come into work, you knew what you were doing, leaving old man Johnson without a diaper change. You wanted to make a mockery out of the Council!! I’ll tell you that we are thousands strong we will destroy yo-

The Undercard Jimmy: You have greatly misread the situation, yes, I was dead inside in my last days at the council of Jimmys and/or Johnsons, but then I had a reawakening, after months of being unmotivated and crushed, but I've been given a second chance, a chance at redemption and I was alive again. I’m not going to waste this second life and let my opportunities slip from the fingers like I did last time.

Johnson the Plot Mayonnaise Jar: Second Chance? The Council didn’t let you back in….. Did they? Was I just a test meant to see if you had it in you actually kill? Have they decided to cut me? Oh a damned one am I in this world dominated by the creatures with limbs, oh a damned one am I in this land of-

The Undercard Jimmy: I never remembered ladders being this hard to climb, it must be my time in multi man ladder matches that makes it so slow to climb up now a days

Jimmy completely ignoring what the Mayonnaise Jar is telling him continues to climb higher and higher up this seemingly never ending ladder

Johnson the Plot Mayonnaise Jar: Wrestling? Yea, that's what you did before becoming a poopy doopy diaper Janitor man for the Council. Hell your family were in wrestling. Are you wrestling again? It's not really your second chance now is it? How many chances does a guy whose father was a megastar in his country, pass his legacy to you AND YOU THROW IT AWAY?!?!? And for what? So you could get your ass whooped half the time and the other half getting fluke wins. You should just go back to the council and beg for forgiveness

The Undercard Jimmy: … Once again … you have clearly misread the situation, I am carrying you up a ladder to drop you off a roof like a seven grader doing an egg test, ya dumb mayonnaise. Stop being such a Plonka and Shut up.  

Jimmy has finally finished climbing the infi-ladder. Jimmy gently places the Mayonnaise Jar down on the roof, he watches it rolls down the tiles until it finally falls out of Jimmys line of site, this is then followed by the piercing sound of glass shattering. He looks over the roof to see mayonnaise spread across concrete (yes, Jimmy concreted over the grass in his backyard, that is a completely normal thing normal people do anything or anyone who tells you otherwise is a revolutionary rat and it's your civil duty as a citizen of the North Korea to alert your local police force. God Bless North Korea)

The Undercard Jimmy: Shit. I gotta promo to wrap up.. I should probably do that huh. Make sure to cut away when I'm climbing down the ladder, my camera duderino, it might take a couple hours

After climbing down the ladder as fast as he could, Jimmy cleaned up the remains of the would-be Assassin Mayonnaise Jar Magician Extraordinaire

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TARADALE, VICTORIA
SOME HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE TUESDAY 7 PM

The Undercard Jimmy: Senor Pinchy, unlike Striker, I’ve fought you before, 2 times in tag teams. Of course we’ve met in some multi-mans before but when there's like 4+ people trying to cut your head off does it really count?  

The Undercard Jimmy: First time we fought, it was a tag team match, me & Tj fought you and someone who I don’t remember and don't care enough about to go check who it was. Win for me. I didn’t pin you, but it still counts as a win over your crustacean buttacean.

The Undercard Jimmy: The second time we fought, it was in another tag team match this time for the Hybrid championships, two falls, whoever won a fall would become one half of the Hybrid champion. Me & you seemed destined to clash or should I say, team up as a Hybrid team, but one wrong step and wababadtango, you miss your chance to be champion, just like that. You got the first fall and Alice got the other. You didn’t pin me to get that first fall and I wasn’t pinned in the second, as much as I hate it that win still counts as a win over my over my non-crustacean buttacean. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that makes us 1 - 1 piece for piece. You saw my miracle win, but can you going to get through each and every trap?

The Undercard Jimmy: You had a few words about me, you said that I wasted my opportunities, that I’m a legacy talent and I just threw it away. Death is something that never leaves you, it stays with you and becomes a part of you in a way that everyone can understand. I still remember the thud of the hammer, the way he folded onto the canvas, the way I felt a tinge of joy thinking that he was just out cold on the mat and that it was going to be an easy win for me.

The Undercard Jimmy: At that point I couldn’t wear the mask again, I was ready to accept that everything was over for me, that it was the end of my world, but as time when one I realised it only opened a new one to me, the real one. The first time I was truly myself, not a mask. People no longer feared me, they laughed and had joy in their eyes. I had inherited a legacy of fear, destruction and darkness and you envy that? Honor is not something you earn through fear, it's something you earn through respect. Beating Striker through intelligence, craftyness & a tinge of luck earns respect. Not caving a mans skull in with a hammer.

The Undercard Jimmy: Without that horrid night in Melbourne, I would never be the person I am today and I don’t want to think about the man I would be if I kept the mask on. For better and for worse, that moment shaped me to who I am today. I would dread having it any other way.

The Undercard Jimmy: I found myself and I was ready to make a name for myself as a fresh new talent in Wrestleworld, but I quickly became haunted by my legacy, he screwed me over and over and I screwed him over and over. Until finally he got sent packing by a guy who actually ended it. After that was loss after loss, I started to think if I was anything without my legacy, Could I make it count when it mattered. Did I even have what it takes to defeat my legacy? I was scared to answer the questions in fear of the answer and that lead me out of WrestleWorld and to the end of my story.

The Undercard Jimmy: But then I got that invitation and suddenly I was back in business and when I win this tournament, I will have an answer.

The Undercard Jimmy: I am more focused, more experienced than I was before and I have a craving for crab and If you’re not careful, I will bite off a chunk of you. You think that's a joke, but I am dead serious, I haven’t been pulling in big money to buy something fancy like crab in a while and crab is a bumpin’ dish. I will beat you and take a piece of you with me home. Hell it won't even make it home, I will tear off your pincher and fucking feast on it in the ring as if it was a kidney. And that's not a threat, thats a promise I intend on keeping at DOMINION 29!