[An applauding crowd and clapping can be heard as the camera shows the inside of a place that features a sign reading “WRESTLEWORLD COMEDY CLUB: COMEDY WORLD” as a man who appears to be the Host of the Club walks up to the unoccupied microphone on the stage while clapping and laughing.]
Host: And that was the comedy stylings of Bon Skippy, everyone! But we’re not done yet. No, no, no. We’ve still got our… Main event of the eveniiiinnnngggg! Sorry, I couldn’t cut it as a nameless Announcer so now you see why I’m in the business of being a nameless Host of a comedy club.
[A snare drum plays as the Host points to it while the crowd applauds out of pity.]
Host: But seriously, seriously… We do have a pretty big name for our final act of the night. It’s not often we get an active Wrestleworld competitor stopping by. Most of the time if a wrestler makes us laugh, it’s not on purpose and done in the ring. But without further adieu, let’s give it up for The Underworld’s own “Cold” Cash Corleone!!!!
[Cassius steps out from behind a curtain with a nonchalant expression on his face - dressed in a black suit as he steps up to the microphone and waits for the crowd to finally settle.]
Cash: Thank you, thank you… It’s great to be here. Now usually I wouldn’t be caught dead in a place like this--
[A snare drum plays as the crowd laughs while Cassius suddenly looks annoyed.]
Cash: That wasn’t a joke. I genuinely meant it. This place is a fucking cesspool of rejection and people so dead inside that they resorted to coming here as an unironic form of entertainment--
[The crowd laughs and claps as a snare drum plays again.]
Cash: … You fucking people are something. Doesn’t take much to entertain you, does it? Why bother talking? Why put in any effort when I could just as easily pull out my keys and jingle them in front of your faces to get the same result?
[The audience starts to laugh again, only for Cassius to immediately pick up the stool behind him and toss it into the crowd where it can be heard crashing hard into something while several people gasp. The crowd goes silent as Cassius stares at them.]
Cash: Hahahaha! Now THAT’S fucking funny! That makes me laugh! Seeing you people nearly piss yourself in fear for MY entertainment brings me more joy than you could possibly ever imagine! But hey, now that I’ve got your attention, you know what else makes me laugh? My Cherry Blossom. My beautiful, wonderful Sakura. She makes me laugh and smile and I feel truly happy whenever I’m with her. But take a look around. Look to your left, to your right, and all around you. What do you see? I see… A bunch of ugly, greasy, unhygienic douchebags that have nothing better to do with their lives than to hand more money to Jaywalker - like he needs it - to sit in this fucking Comedy Club. You know what you DON’T see? My Sakura. Not my Sakura or my Hurricane, because they’re busy enjoying their lives, and right now, what I have to do - there’s no real joy in it. Not really. I make the most of it, obviously, but there’s no real happiness it gives me to spend my time away dealing with people like you and people like Violet Snow while my Sakura is elsewhere waiting for me to return to her.
[Cassius pulls the microphone from the stand in front of him and paces around as he pulls on the cord to it.]
Cash: So jokes… You want some jokes, right? Here’s a joke… How many therapists does it take to screw in a light bulb?... Anyone? Anyone?... Just one… But the light bulb has to REALLY want to change.
[Cassius laughs at his own joke as the audience remains silent.]
Cash: Oh what’s the matter? Not having fun anymore? Lighten up, for fuck sakes! You’re at a comedy club, aren’t you?! Have a sense of humor! Hell, I’ve got a sense of humor! The fact that I’ve entertained the slightest notion of this bitch named Crazy Violet is worthy of sharing the ring with me - NOW THAT’S COMEDY! THAT’S proof of my sense of humor! To stand in that ring and pretend this scrawny little bitch with more issues than a most incarcerated serial killers is someone with an actual contract and allowed to compete in the same ring as me… You don’t have a fucking clue how horribly funny that is. But I get it! I get it! I’m a clown! I’m a fucking clown that dances for you people and has to deal with her while you all sit on your fat asses watching while drinking your gallon of beer and eating all your snacks! It’s okay! I’ve accepted it. All of it. I was born to be successful in life, whether it’s professional wrestling or any other sport or performance art - anything. Why not comedy? I can understand comedy just fine. I can excel at it. I can make you laugh, and I certainly don’t mind making you cry… But I get it. Comedians take what they’ve got and they churn out material with it, right? Even in darkness and misery and tragedy… They find the funny side.
So I just brighten it up then! Once upon a time, my Sakura and I did the world a favor and nearly killed a psychotic bitch that had no business being in this industry, and then she came back, PUT HER HANDS ON MY CHERRY BLOSSOM, and then what? I had to take it and churn out the material. Any other time in my life, I would have broken her into a million pieces, buried her in a shallow grave, and made certain nobody remembers she ever existed… But that’s not who I am anymore. I’m a comedian now. Comedians don’t just take the bad and throw it away. No, no, no… We gotta make something out of it. So I have. I’ve orchestrated the most beautiful comedy that the world has ever seen! I’ve written, directed, and starred in the funniest fucking thing you people will ever have the opportunity to witness! I took a thorn buried deep into my side, ripped it out, and made art out of it! There’s clearly a voice somewhere deep down in Violet Snow’s broken little mind that’s more fucked up than all the others, because it whispered to her that it would be a good idea to come back from the brink of losing her career and fuck with me!
So Act 1: Violet gets her first taste of agony and defeat when I humiliate the bitch in front of her peers and her fans and everyone that somehow cares for her when she was supposed to make her big triumphant return to the ring!
Act 2: I hire a man more talented than she’ll ever find in the World’s Finest to join me and once again humiliate her and beat her and remind her one more time why she’s doing nothing right now but walking on death row!
But Act 3… Oh man… It’s gonna be something to behold. Violet could have ignored the voices that really ruined her life… The voices of her fans… The voices of her friends… All of those fucking morons that support her. She should have blocked THOSE voices out when they egged her on to get back here to Wrestleworld and step back into the ring. She could have given up on every aspiration that she and all of her little personalities have and ended up on the street in a box begging for change from every passerby that ignores her like she doesn’t exist… And you know what’s funny about that decision to go down that path? You know what the hilarious irony of it all is? It’s that choosing to go that way would have been an easier, happier, and LONGER life than the one she’s chosen by coming back. So I want all you people here to come to the show on Sunday if you want to REALLY laugh at something. If you want to witness the epic conclusion to the greatest comedy you’ve ever discovered… You’ll watch as I rip apart the useless husk of the woman once known as Violet Snow. Watch as I injure her… Traumatize her… Obliterate her… As I take her and rip her piece by piece before I toss the shreds of her around so she can truly… Finally… Be Snow.
[Cassius looks around at the still dead silent club with a smirk on his face.]
Cash: … Get it? Cause her last name’s Snow and I’d rip her apart and make it “snow” with what’s left? Get it?... Oh fuck you people, that was funny.
[Cassius tosses the microphone into the audience before walking away as one person quietly claps before the spotlight on the stage goes out.]
Sat Dec 03, 2022 4:36 pm by 
Subject: Make 'Em Laugh 
