Mal's Brunchtime Conspira-Sea! Episode 3: Meeting St. Peter At Eden's Gate

(Mallory's shaky cam footage springs to life once more, this time from the confines of an evergreen shrubbery just a few feet from Eden's poolside janitor closet. Mallory looks a bit disheveled with a few branches tangled in her hair and colorless smeared makeup.)

Mallory Montana: Hello again and welcome to this early edition of Mal's Brunchtime Conspira-sea! (still working on the title, bare with me guys). It's currently 10:30 AM and I've spent the past eight hours camped out in a bush just outside of Senor Pinchy's last known residence. So far I've seen zero signs of life, and your reporter is worried because there does seems to be a fresh damage on the closet's door. I'm half wondering if any court in the land would actually convict me if I were to break in just to check on Pinchy. Maybe in the process I see him without his mask on accident? who knows? What is known is that I've got briers digging into my kneecaps and I haven't slept for almost twenty-two hours now. I'm growing impatient, as is the case with all things regarding Senor Pinchy, and I'm about to go BASH THAT DOOR DOWN IF SOMEONE DOESN'T COME OUT IN FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO!

(Mallory pops out of the bush and stares down the door through squinting, daring, eyes. Her jaw tightens as she lifts a fist up in frustration and shakes it manically.)

Mallory Montana: Okay. You wanna play it this way? Fine! I'll do it. I'll bash the door down you stupid, stupid, stupid! crab man!

(Mallory steps out of the bushes and starts pulling off her earrings with her free hand. One of the briers catches her pants suit and she rips it free in frustration, not caring what damage it does to the fabric. Once free, she regains her composure and puffs out her chest, walking out of her high heels as she charges toward the door like a true World Star champion getting ready to lay out a drunk girl who got too lippy outside of the night club. With a primordial growl, she charges at the door shoulder first, dropping her phone as she makes contact. It lay on it's side, pointed up at her as she stands frozen in place after impact, the door un-phased by her feeble attempt.)

Mallory Montana:...ow....

(After a big huff to suck in all of the pain, Mallory jerks away from the door and wipes her hair out of her face as she tries to regain composure and push down her anger while straightening her pants suit with her hands.)

Mallory Montana: Okay. New plan; I'm going to use a credit card to break in like I should've done in the first place before running my brittle vegan bones into a hard wooden door.

(Mallory flashes a smile toward the downed camera phone as she roots through her pocket and pulls out a billfold. After a brief deliberation over which card to use, Mallory grabs a gold card and shoves it into the door jamb. As she struggles to maneuver the card and murmurs Spanish swears to herself, a fairly young looking lady in a jumpsuit leans into the shot and looks at the phone, and then back up at the struggling Mallory. She picks up the phone and taps Mallory on the shoulder. Mallory immediately freezes in place.)

????: Hey, you dropped your phone.

(Mallory slowly turns to face the young lady, her eyes filled with fear and her breath bated.)

Mallory Montana: Thank you.

????: Say, you aren't trying to break into this place are ya?

(Mallory's face turns from shock to defensiveness as she coyly slides her credit card back into her pocket.)

Mallory Montana: What's it to you if I am?

????: Well, that's my work space and I just recently managed to lock out some freak in a mask who holed up in there for the past month or so. He'd get drunk and do all kinds of ungodly things to this one mop.

Mallory Montana: You're...the janitor here?

(The young lady gives a knowing smile and extends her hand.)

????:Yeah, I get that a lot. It's like nobody expects some girl to be a custodian, but hey I got student loans to pay off. The name's Janet. Janet Oriole.

Mallory Montana: Hold up...you're a janitor?

Janet Oriole: Yes, I thought we covered that already.

Mallory Montana: And your name is Janet...Oriole?

Janet Oriole: Yeah. Janet like Rocky Horror, and Oriole like the song bird...or the sucky Baltimore team. I didn't get to pick my surname, miss.

Mallory Montana: Let me get this straight...your name is Janet Oriole....AND YOU'RE A JANITOR!?!

Janet Oriole: Well...yeah.

Mallory Montana: AND THIS HAS NEVER CAME UP BEFORE?!

Janet Oriole: I don't quite know what you mean.

(Mallory grabs the unsuspecting and oblivious Janet by the shirt and pulls her close, trembling with anger as she yells into her face.)

Mallory Montana: YOU'RE A JANITOR NAMED JANITORIAL!

(Janet flinches at this revelation and mulls it over in her head, before snapping back into reality and giving Mallory a pleased smile.)

Janet Oriole: Well I suppose I've never thought of it that way.

Mallory Montana: NO ONE'S EVER MENTIONED THAT YOUR NAME IS JANET-!

????: Wow...Pinchy wasn't all that far from the mark...

(Mallory and Janet snap around, Mallory switching her phone to selfie mode just in time to catch Cameraman Pete clumsily emerge from a nearby dumpster.)

Mallory Montana: Pete...?

(Mallory rushes over to her fallen cameraman in the dumpster as he pulls himself over the ledge and falls to the hard concrete, his body covered in bruises and trash.)

Mallory Montana: Oh my goodness, Pete are you okay?

Cameraman Pete: I'm fine I just...got tossed out of Eden. Wow, that sounds way more dramatic than it should.

Mallory Montana: What happened?

Cameraman Pete: I barely remember. The last thing I can recall was filming a Pinchy promo. The next minute, he's having me forcefully ejected.

Mallory Montana: Ejected? Does he live there now?

(Pete rises to his feet, cracking and moaning as he does so. He stops midway upright, nursing his back with one hand as he tries to stand up straight.)

Cameraman Pete: Yeah. Third floor, Room 302.

Mallory Montana: Do you have your camera?

Cameraman Pete: Yeah. Hold on a tick.

(Pete pulls himself completely upright with a gross crack of his vertebrae. After taking in a long gasp of agony, he shoots a hand back into the dumpster and starts rooting around.)

Cameraman Pete: Let's see...protein shake bottle....protein shake bottle...half-eaten week old steak covered in maggots...protein shake bottle...Eureka!

(Pete yanks the camera up from the trash. It's hand strap is covered in an unknown brown-green substance, it's microphone draped with a banana peel, and it's lens capped by a plastic bottle top (probably from a protein shake). Pete swats away the grime and then gently places the camera on the ground.)

Cameraman Pete: I think it needs time to dry off all the garbage water.

Mallory Montana: Gross. Do you think it still work?

Cameraman Pete: Probably, but what do we need it for?

Mallory Montana: Well I've been filming a scathing exposé on Pinchy, trying to get to the root of his origin. That sorta thing. So far I've been taking the guerrilla approach and filming it with my cellphone, but viewers have been complaining about the pixels and the shaking. Care to join me?

Cameraman Pete: Why didn't you ask me out of the gate?

Mallory Montana: I didn't know if I could trust you. You're really close with Pinchy...well, were...and considering the current landscape of Wrestleworld with Ghost Organization taking over it's kind of hard to know who to trust in general.

Cameraman Pete: So, what? Now that Senor Pinchy's kicked me to the curb and literally thrown me out with yesterday's news I'm suddenly worthy of your trust?

Mallory Montana: Oh Peter...

(Mallory grabs Pete's hand and flashes him a come-hither stare. The cameraman immediately falls for it and can't help but fight back a smile. He begins to speak, but Mallory quickly shoots a hand up and places a finger on his lips as her demeanor snaps back to all-business.)

Mallory Montana: Yes.

Cameraman Pete: Aw man...

Mallory Montana: No time for moping, Peter! We need to storm Eden and get the scoop!

Cameraman Pete: Mal, I know you're used to ignoring every word that's ever came out of my mouth, but read my lips: they wont let us in. I didn't willfully throw myself into a dumpster. Armed guards did it for me.

Mallory Montana: But we have to try! otherwise we've hit a dead end in this investigation.

Cameraman Pete: I'm sorry Mal, it's just impossible to get in there unless you want thugs sicced on you. I wouldn't be surprised if he enlisted Betty White to keep you out if he's caught wise to this investigation.

Mallory Montana: SHHH! Don't say her name. I swear that old bag's like Candyman; mention her too much and she'll materialize out of thin air.

(Janet saunters over and taps Mallory on the shoulder once more. Mallory shrieks in expectant horror and hops into Pete's arms.)

Janet Oriole: Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.

Mallory Montana: TOO LATE!

Janet Oriole: Did I hear you say you were looking for Senor Pinchy?

Mallory Montana: Not that it matters anymore, but yes. Pete, please take your garbage hands off of me and pick your gross camera back up.

Cameraman Pete: Opp! sorry.

(Pete gingerly puts Mallory back down. There's an awkward pause as they try to regain normalcy to the situation.)

Mallory Montana: *ahem* A-anyway, what do you know about Senor Pinchy?

Janet Oriole: He shows up at Rojo Lobster every Saturday to make a promotional appearance.

Mallory Montana:...Promotional appearance?

Cameraman Pete: Yeah! That makes sense. I completely forgot.

Mallory Montana: You know about this "Rojo Lobster" Pete?

Cameraman Pete: Yeah, Pinchy took me. He claims he conquered the place or something.

Mallory Montana: What?!

Janet Oriole: It's the most hopping restaurant on the island. How do you not know about Rojo Lobster?

Cameraman Pete: Well it wasn't that hopping when Pinchy took me. The windows were boarded up and the staff was like...two people.

Mallory Montana: What day did he take you?

Cameraman Pete: I think a Monday?

Janet Oriole: They're closed on Monday. You must be mistaken

Mallory Montana: She's right. Most seafood places close on a Monday. They use that day to stock up on fresh catches made over the weekend.

Cameraman Pete: I've just remembered! Pinchy told me that he likes to be there on Tuesdays to mock the freshly caught lobsters. It was really late when he invited me though. When do they close Janet?

Janet Oriole: Usually around eight o'clock, maybe eight thirty?

Cameraman Pete: Weird...we were there at like midnight almost.

Janet Oriole: You were hanging out in a seafood restaurant after hours with a man dressed like a crab? That's spooky.

Mallory Montana: And suspicious, but it's the lead that we need. So what do you say, Pete? are you in or are you out?

Cameraman Pete: Are you kidding me? After Pinchy had me tossed out on my head I'm more than game to expose that little cretin! Although I can't do it this weekend because I've got work to do for...you know...our jobs at Wrestleworld? But rest assured, any spare time Cameraman Pete has will be spent trying to bring down Pinchy.

Mallory Montana: Well that's a relief. I don't know how much more memory my poor cellphone could spare. After this long stakeout, it amazes me that the battery's still char-

(Cut To Black)