Mal's Brunchtime Conspira-Sea! Episode 6: Epilogue

(Mallory's hand adjusts the camera's lens as it shakily comes to life. Pulling her hand away, the pixelated setting of Mallory in shades and a sun hat at an outside bistro comes into frame. After a few more adjustments, her camera phone comes into focus on the perplexed looking reporter sitting behind a fresh vegan plate with a mineral water and Bloody Mary on the side.)

Mallory Montana: So I realized just as this vlog is coming to a close that I actually haven't had brunch on it. I decided to plop down at one of my favorite greasy spoons here on Wrestleworld island and get some good vegan pad thai, some fakin' bacon and fake cream cheese stuffed mushrooms, and top off my Friday night hangover with a bit of the...whatever the vegan term for "hair of the dog" is. I'd never hurt a dog.

(Mallory picks up her utensils and rubs them together as she puts on her Hollywood smile and takes a bite of her pad thai and washes it down with the mineral water. After taking a long and thoughtful swig, she puts it down and stares ahead into the camera.)

Mallory Montana: Sooo...there are a lot of questions that need answering I suppose, like 'where's Pete?' or 'what happened at UUKRB after the camera went off?' or 'why is this the last episode?'. I see these questions in the comments and in my DMs on social and realize that they take precedent over the big question of 'Who is Senor Pinchy?', and that's something I wasn't willing to admit to myself mere weeks ago. I've been driven, obsessed, and downright destroyed by this investigation. Pete asked me often why I'm so invested in finding the answer, and I've thought about that. I think it's a lot of things, some that have to do with the investigation and some that don't. Maybe I was distracting myself from the insurrection of Wrestleworld, or saw the problems in my personal and professional life and wanted to desperately pin them on someone else, or maybe I'm right in feeling a self-destructive urge to out this man whose brought only negativity and hatred into my life and heart.

(Mallory takes a long inhale after prattling off her life's problems before frantically grabs her celery straw and takes a big sip of her Bloody Mary, as if trying to pacify her stream of thought. After a long satisfying smack of the lips she turns back to the camera and removes her shades, revealing the bags under her eyes as her painted on grin becomes thinner.)

Mallory Montana: Either way, it became a self-centered passion project that I didn't realize was hurting others until it was far too late to do anything about it, which leads us to answering question one: 1. What happened at UUKRB? Well...the reason Pete's camera cut to black so quickly was because UUKRB...I'm trying to think of a delicate way to put this...'exploded.'

(Mallory pulls the celery out of the Bloody Mary, tapping it dry on the side of the glass, before tossing the stalk aside and downing the icy tomato water in one greedy disgusting gulp. She pounds the empty glass on the table as her body hunches over tiredly, giving up any pretense of professionalism or give-a-fuck.)

Mallory Montana: Luckily Steven and Mose were in the sound booth when it happened and came out of the explosion relatively unscathed. Apparently serial chain smoker Mose Feratu left one of his lit cigarettes dangling on one of the shelves holding the film. Some ash got into a can and it just lit the place up like a Christmas tree. The cops say there wasn't any foul play involved, but Pete swears he saw Pinchy there. I looked over the footage and saw nothing. I think it was just a case of matrixing, you know, where your brain takes random shapes and tries to make sense out of them? Anyway, Pete's not in his right mind these days as it is. He got quite the suntan off of that explosion...or at least that's the last thing I said to him before he had me forcibly ejected from his hospital room. It was just a joke, Pete. Heal up bud. I miss you.

(Mallory lifts her beverage glass and rattles the ice. On cue, a waiter arrives and takes the glass from her. She slides her shades back on and picks up her fork and starts fidgeting with the stuffed mushrooms.)

Mallory Montana: Mose disappeared into the night before he could be questioned by the police. I guess all of that vampiric method acting paid off in the end. As for Steven, the poor guy buried the hatchet with Magda and Theo and took up washing dishes at the Rojo Lobster. Ironically, Steven wasn't fast enough for the Senor's Senior Saturday lunch rush and got fired mid-shift. Not an hour later the place caught fire. A vast majority of the patrons were on portable oxygen tanks when the place went up. Some exploded, but those who didn't were the few who made it out without succumbing to smoke inhalation. Investigators are almost wholly sold on the fire being started by Theo's dumb crab suit getting too close to one of the fish fryers, but some are still looking to finger Steven for the crime. I can't blame them. The guy was in two fires within the span of 72 hours, one of which most likely killed somebodies mother and father. It just isn't a good look for a guy named I'mgoingtokillyourparents.

(The waiter returns. Before he can even place the glass on the table, Mallory politely takes it from his hand. She begins to lift the brim up to her mouth once more, but stops just before it touches her lips. She extends her arm out to her side and pours a few drops of her Bloody Mary on the pavement and then shakily puts the drink down on the table.)

Mallory Montana: Betty White was one of eight survivors. I swear, nothing can kill that old bird. Despite accidentally starting the fire themselves, Magda and Theo tried to file a claim through their insurance company for damages...you know...to be ironic. At least that's what they said when the judge threw the case out mere moments after threatening to put them both behind bars for endangering senior citizens if they even dared to open up a so much as a Popsicle stand from that day forward. They left the island shortly thereafter. Word is that they're living in Theo's mom's basement in a not-so-ironic way.

(Suddenly the feed becomes shaky as the unmistakable buzz of a phone on mute drowns out Mallory. With a frustrated sigh, she reaches over and taps an unseen 'ignore' button on the screen.)

Mallory Montana: That was Percy. He's still sniffing up the wrong tree. Speaking of, I still think his relationship with that girl Cynthia is pretty weird. After finding out about her tryst with Peter the trainer, he started doing what he calls 'fatherly digging' into Peter's personnel file. The guy came back spotless, but Percy did happen across a Consensual Relationship Agreement between Peter and another trainer named Wendell. Turns out his feelings for Cynthia were being misconstrued. After a short argument with Percy, and a long civil talk with Peter and Wendell, Cynthia decided that maybe the least awkward option for all parties involved was for her to quit attending classes. Poor girl. She just had to model herself after Tinkerbell. Going after a Peter when there's a Wendy in the picture just comes off as self-destructive, self-hating, self-fulfilling prophecy. Percy has once again banned me from interviewing his client after the incident in the gym, but he's more than open to discussing terms for a new arrangement over dinner. I'll pass. Pete kept telling me to bite the bullet so that Percy could keep tabs on Pinchy at Eden, but it's just not worth leading someone on.

(Mallory reaches into her purse and pulls out a strip of film. Holding it up to the sunlight, the clear image of Pinchy's silhouette menacing atop the UUKRB studio mere moments before it's explosive decommission can be barely made out. Mallory studies it over the frames of her shades, a skeptical sneer on her face as she looks at the film cell.)

Mallory Montana: I don't know who or what to believe anymore. All I know is that the more I dig, the more people get hurt. Maybe it's serendipity, maybe it's karma, maybe it's the foibles of a few paranoid private businessmen and women who let curiosity kill their cat, or maybe Pinchy looking to cover his tracks and keep his profile low. Either way, digging has only made me all the more miserable. It's cost me friends, lost me a cameraman, and burned a few bridges professionally. Now all that's left is for me to face the reality of the current landscape of Wrestleworld. Ghost Organization is in complete control, Layne Driver's actively trying to hurt people, and the cherry on top of it all is that Pinchy might just win King of the World.

(Mallory shrugs apathetically and takes another sip of her drink.)

Mallory Montana: Maybe it's the Mary talking, but out of those three options, Pinchy holding a seat of power strikes me as the most benign path in this darkest of timelines. I guess that's how this vlog comes to an anticlimactic end; a cheap plug for King of the World live at the Crown Colosseum on November 7th. As for me? I've got more day drinking to do. Catch your girl backstage at Chapter 39 and keep tuning in to Wrestleworld. This has been Mallory Montana signing off.

(Mallory gives the audience a lethargic toast and then tilts back another Mary with one hand as the other reaches out and cuts the camera off.)