Mal's Brunchtime Conspira-Sea! Episode 5: Everyone's a Suspect. Even Steven.

(The camera opens on a shot of a giant TV antennae against the night sky.  Panning down, the scenery becomes less impressive as we find a tin shack with dull, dated, letter shaped lights reading "UUKRB".  The camera pans left to find Mallory Montana beckoning it forward as she whispers into her microphone and walks toward the dreary TV station.)

Mallory Montana: Hello and welcome to the latest edition of Mal's Brunchtime Conspira-Sea.  Today, with the help of that quirky ironic couple from Rojo Lobster, we've tracked down terrestrial UHF station UUKRB.  It took me all week to find it because that strange girl in the throws of a midlife crisis pronounced it WKRB, when in fact it was two U's and not a W.  Luckily there aren't many UHF stations on this island.

Cameraman Pete: Actually, there's just the one to my knowledge, and I could've told you about double-U KRB.  I watch it regularly for AV tips.

Mallory Montana: [whisper-yelling] SHUT UP PETE!

Cameraman Pete: Sorry.

Mallory Montana: I also discovered that it's owned my a man named Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents who acts as it's main and only listed producer.  Apparently those hipsters weren't threatening ma or patricide.

(Mallory turns and nearly bumps into the building, but manages to stop herself with her hand just in time.  She glances at Pete, angrily as she points toward the building with her thumb, mad that he didn't tell her she had gotten so close.  Slowly turning back to the building, Mallory wraps on the door and waits for someone to answer.  After a long silence, she glances back at Pete, annoyance still in her eyes as she adjusts her hair.)

Cameraman Pete: I kind of admire you right now.

Mallory Montana: Funny you should bring that up right after filming me nearly walk into the broadside of a building.  Trying to get those brownie points back?

Cameraman Pete: No, I just think you're really brave  and determined for coming out here.

Mallory Montana: Thanks.

Cameraman Pete: I mean most reporters don't have the tenacity, drive, or integrity to come out in the middle of nowhere.

Mallory Montana: Yeah...yeah that's true

Cameraman Pete: You're not going to find many female journalists willing to show up to some rundown shack after dark.

Mallory Montana: Gee Pete, you sure do know how to make a gal blush.

Cameraman Pete: Much less to meet a guy named Steven I'mgoingtokillyour parents.

Mallory Montana: You know what? Maybe we could come back at an earlier hour? Heheh.

Cameraman Pete: Yeah it doesn't seem like anyone's going to answer.

Mallory Montana: And it isn't like we couldn't invite more crew to...you know...do boom work or...whatever.

Cameraman Pete: Lots of crew guys.

Mallory Montana: Big, muscly, crew guys packing heat.

Cameraman Pete: You're right.  Let's get the hell out of here.

Mallory Montana: Hey! Wait for me!

(Pete and Mallory turn to head back toward the truck when suddenly they're frozen in their tracks by the horrific sound of metal scraping against metal, shortly followed by the sound of a door swinging open on creaky hinges.  A sliver of light engulfs them, casting their shadows on the ground in front of them.  Pete pans down, the camera trembling in his hands as a giant lanky shadow slowly rises and appears between his own and Mallory's.)

"uhhhh hullo?"

(Pete pans up to Mallory whose staring back at him with her eyes bulging out of their sockets.  She motions toward the unseen presence behind them and then gestures for them to turn around and confront them on 3.  Pete shakes the camera side to side, indicating 'no', but Mallory starts the countdown anyway.)

Mallory Montana: "Th-three...t-t-two....one!"

(Mallory and Pete both swing around on cue, only to find a lanky, hunched over, and pale tortoise shell bespectacled man guarding his eyes from Pete's camera light.)

"agh.  hey, do ya mind turning that off fella? i've got light sensitivity and that thing might give me a sunburn....just teasin'."

Mallory Montana: SO! Uh, are you um...?

Cameraman Pete: Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents I presume?

(Steven looks at the two of them blankly, then stares around at his surroundings lethargically, as if cautious to confirm or deny his identity.  After apparently finding the coast clear, he gives them a slow nod.

Mallory Montana: Nice to meet you...I think.

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: what can I do ya for?

Mallory Montana: We were just investigating someone who might work with or for you at the station.  

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: oh are you the authorities?

Mallory Montana: No, I'm just a reporter for Wrestleworld.

Cameraman Pete: This is a private investigation though.  The company isn't affiliated.

(Mallory throws a sneer in Pete's direction as she outstretches her hand cautiously to shake Steven's.  She quickly withdraws in shock with a mixture of surprise and disgust on her face.)

Mallory Montana: O-oh, your hands are really soft for a man.

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: uhhhhh yeah.  i get that a lot surprisingly.  working in television doesn't really develop callouses.  s'hard to toughen up your skin when you work on the air.

Mallory Montana: I can see that.

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: that's an av joke.  it kills at the conventions.  i'm sure the big guy behind the camera gets it.

Mallory Montana: Yeah I bet.  HEY! Can we come inside and look around?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: ssssure.  although you'll have to be quiet.  we're in the middle of a live broadcast.

Cameraman Pete: At this hour?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: oh yeah, we run "Mose Feratu's PDA".  that stands for 'public domain attraction'.  i think the title's a bit racy, but the kids seem to like it when mose gets cheeky with the initials.  besides, it helps us get some use out of all of these reel to reels collecting dust around here.  s'cheap too.  go ahead and check things out though.

(Steven slowly waves the two inside as he holds open the door.  Mallory glances over at the camera with a look of doubt on her face.  Pete shrugs behind the camera.)

Cameraman Pete: He seems harmless.

(Mallory relents and heads inside with Pete following close behind.  The camera jumps as the sound of the door closing behind Pete catches him off guard.  He spins around to find folksy Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents mouthing the word 'sorry', which somehow comes off louder than the placid man's own speaking voice.)

Mallory Montana: Wow, you really do have quite the collection.

(Pete swings back around to find Mallory admiring one of many shelves of canned film reels standing single file and filling hte studio space.  Pete pans over to find a soundboard and tempered glass.  Beyond the glass sits a two-toned painted man in a studio behind a desk, sitting behind a green screen and mugging into the camera.  Steven shuffles into frame and motions toward the studio like a veteran tour guide.)

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: uhhhh that's where we film the majority of our shows.  the goth guy in there right now is mose.  he's very method.  don't think i've ever seen him out of his paint.  he only shows up when he's ready to film.  real professional guy.

Mallory Montana: Is he your main programming at this hour?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: oh heavens no.  usually during the week we air d.i.y. shows and children's program.  most of it's in-studio.  i would love to get some more mainstream stuff like bob ross or sesame street, but those vultures down at pbs have an iron grip on the market.  sorry i raised my voice.  i just get very passionate about my station.

Mallory Montana: Uhm.  Okay...hah...say, what kind of last name is I'mgoingtokillyourparents?

Cameraman Pete: MALLORY!

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: uhhhh i dunno....norse maybe? i've never really thought about it, but i suppose predisposing one's self with genealogy could be a worthwhile pass time.  i myself prefer murdering parents.

Mallory Montana: Uh huh....!

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: just kiddin'.  i'm more into philately myself.  'scuse me for a second.  mose is giving me the high sign.  that means i need to throw to commercial so he can go to the lavatory and maybe burn one.

(Steven slowly shuffles toward the soundboard and out of earshot.  Mallory quickly rushes the camera, her eyes never leaving the sloth like Steven as she passes.  Finally she breaks gaze from the producer and starts talking under her voice directly into the camera's mic.)

Mallory Montana: I feel like we need to get out of here Pete.  This place is a dead end, and if we don't act quick it might be ours.

(Pete pans over to Steven slowly extending his finger and gingerly flipping a switch, and then back at Mallory.  Pete tilts the camera, as if in disbelief of her fear as the anchor lowers her voice even more.)

Mallory Montana: I don't even know what the hell kind of pervert mess philately is!

Cameraman Pete: Mal, this guy can probably barely muster the energy to produce saliva to book stamps.  Why are you so afraid?

Mallory Montana: It's that sweater he's wearing.  It looks like it's made out of doll hair.

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: actually it's a cardigan.  my gram-gram knitted it for me... sorry to drop eaves.

Cameraman Pete: Mallory you're going to hurt this guys feelings!  

Mallory Montana: I'm telling you this guy has a human hair suit collection somewhere and you're worried about his feelings?  H-HEY STEVEN!

(Mallory gives Steven an overly cheerful wave from across the room.  The placid producer blushes and gives a slow goofy wave back.  Mallory snaps back around to the camera, anger and fear in her eyes.)

Mallory Montana: Let's GO!

Cameraman Pete: Wait.  Look!

(Pete points toward a small monitor embedded into the soundboard.  On it, a Rojo Lobster commercial featuring Senor Pinchy plays silently.  They watch in awe as the woman in a Rojo Lobster uniform chases an tall and lanky man in a Pinchy suit around a seated table with a comically large net in one hand, and a pair of claw crackers in the other as annoyed patrons look on.  Giant red words appear across the screen as Brandi cracks Pinchy across the knuckles with her claw cracker as he reaches for one of the annoyed looking patron's entrees.  "Rojo Lobster: We Don't Serve Crab")

Cameraman Pete: That's that Sandy or Brandi girl I was telling you about from the restaurant.

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: she does a good job doesn't she?

(Mallory nearly jumps out of her skin as Steven appears and drones directly over her shoulder.)

Mallory Montana: Jh-Jesus Christ! Put a bell on or something.

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: ssssorry.  

Cameraman Pete: Actually, this is what we came here to talk to you about.  You know this woman Brandi or Sandy or whatever?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: what? oh yeah.  she comes in and films a cooking show from time to time.  i asked her if she minded doing some commercial work since she does a bit of local theater on the side.  her and her friend paul played a big part in our huge lucrative rojo lobster advertising campaign.

Mallory Montana: Huge advertising campaign? We heard the Rojo Lobster only paid you in one meal.

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: that and all the free queso bay biscuits we could eat.

Cameraman Pete: Aren't those free anyways?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: are they? they told me that they usually charge for them because the other place gives them for free...somethin' about being ironic.  

Cameraman Pete: I'm not sure if that's irony or false advertis-

Mallory Montana: Pete, we don't have time for this.  Steven, do you happen to know how we can get in touch with Paul and Brandi?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: hhheavens no.  well, i do have their contact information just in case there's an opening, but that's private information that i'm not willing to give up.  besides, they haven't been in the studio for about a month now.  i've tried calling brandi but she hasn't answered.

Mallory Montana: How do you keep making the commercials then?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: we haven't made a new rojo lobster commercial in over a year.

Mallory Montana: Is it because they squelched on your original deal to be ironic?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: no, although we did make a few more commercials to mock the couple that owns the place.  i had a mean streak in me at that time.  i was quite the rebel.  i only run the good ones now though.  i'm sorta hoping i can make amends with those two.

Mallory Montana: Why not make new ones?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: well, for one, after we made that commercial running right now guerrilla style during business hours without the owner's permission we were banned from the establishment.

Cameraman Pete: You mean that guy sitting at the table was an actual customer?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: yeah.  we were going to offer to pay for the meal after though.  i didn't want to be a spoilsport and ruins someone's supper.

Mallory Montana: What is 'supper?'  You know what? never mind.  Why not film here?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: well we were gonna, but somewhere between the restaurant and the studio the pinchy suit went missing.

Mallory Montana: Who played Pinchy?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: well in that particular commercial i was pinchy.  the suit didn't really fit me though.  we all took turns.  whoever was available at the time could put on the suit.  the place who sold it to me said one size fits all, but that thing rode up on me pretty hard.  sorry for being inappropriate.

Mallory Montana: Do you know every person who played Pinchy?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: of course.  why?

Mallory Montana: Well around the time your suit went missing, Pinchy showed up in Wrestleworld as a wrestler.  We were assuming this was perhaps part of your guerrilla marketing.

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: i detest violence.  i'd never associate someone else's brand with something i personally found deplorable.  sorry for insulting your field of work.  

Mallory Montana: Nah you're good.  It's pretty scummy.  Can we get a list of past Pinchys? or would that be too invasive?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: not at all, but i'm not so sure how helpful that'll be.  prior to the suit going missing the studio was open to the public for tours and whatnot.  anyone on the island could've stolen it.

Mallory Montana: How many people venture out this way to take in a tour of this place?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: none these days. i keep this place under strict lock and key since the suit theft. before that school field trips and a handful of tourists came through semi-regularly.  i'd venture to say maybe forty people have set foot in this place.

Mallory Montana: I'll take my chances with assuming it's someone that worked here.

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: well i'm a one man crew most of the time.  that leaves the talent, which is only about eleven people.

(They're suddenly interrupted by a muted tapping sound.  Steven turns to find Mose Feratu standing behind the tempered glass with a cigarette dangling out of his mouth.  He motions toward the monitor, which has reverted to the off-air color bars.  Steven tiredly lets out a sigh and pushes his glasses up his nose.)

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: i really wish he'd stop smoking in here.  pardon me, but i need to get back to work filming this show.  the audience starts flipping when the bars come up.  my work is never done here.  i rarely even get any sleep most nights.

Cameraman Pete: You should really consider hiring outside help.

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: you in the market for some moonlighting?

Cameraman Pete: Maybe.  Say, is that a Sony Full-Frame 28-135 millimetre in there?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: she's a bute ain't she?

Mallory Montana: You two nerds can flirt over cameras later.  In the meantime can I interview this Mose Feratu guy?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: ah jeez, i don't know if he'll be any help.  like i said, he stays in character most the time.  sorry for snapping and cursing.

Cameraman Pete: C'mon Steven.  It's nearly 12 on a Saturday.  Maybe six people on the island are actually watching this show.  How 'bout giving me a run at that Sony while Mallory interrogates Mose.

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: that would be exciting.  i can at least ask i suppose.  no harm in that.

(Steven saunters into the booth and approaches the glowering Mose Feratu as the painted goth peers over his cape like a creature of the night and listens to Steven's offer.)

Mallory Montana: Do you think he'll say yes?

(Mose dramatically bounds up onto his desk and flairs his cape out like bat wings as the perpetually non-plussed Steven continues to try and reason with him through his barely open lips.  Suddenly Mose lunges forward with a hiss, baring his fangs.  Steven humors him by putting up his hands and shuffling from the booth in retreat.)

Cameraman Pete: I think that's an emphatic 'no'.

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: sorry about that. mose isn't much of a conversationalist unless it involves pulling obscure facts from the internet movie database for his show.  why do you want to talk to mose anyway if you don't mind me asking?

Mallory Montana: I was thinking maybe he was the one who stole the suit or possibly has leads to who might have it?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: well that's just impossible.

Mallory Montana: Darn.  I guess we're out of leads.

Cameraman Pete: Wait, why is it impossible?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: because mose was here last night when pinchy came back and took the studio hostage for the second time.

Mallory Montana:...

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: uhhhh i suppose that's the kind of information you're looking for.

Mallory Montana: Why didn't you tell us-you know what? never mind.  We haven't been up front with you and that's my fault.  How many times exactly has Pinchy came back?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: twice.  one time a few months after the suit went missing.  he forced us to set up the studio like some sorta...promo booth, he kept calling it.  he did it again last night.  i thinks he believes we're his captives, but i-i have keys to the station.  besides, you can't really lock us in and expect us not to be able to get out using the same latch you used to lock us in.

Mallory Montana: Okay.  Steven.  I'm going to need you to focus and consider who you might know that could've been inside the Pinchy costume.

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: i suppose i could go through some old tapes and compare and contrast pinchys whenever i have some free time.

Cameraman Pete: When do you ever have free time?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: i could do it tonight instead of sleeping.

Cameraman Pete: I'd rather you not.  

Mallory Montana: Peter shut up.  That'd be great Steven.  Could you maybe get back to me tomorrow?

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: i'd be happy too.  sorry for my excitable state right now.  i've never been part of a real investigation before.

Mallory Montana: It's okay.  You just take my card and hit me up in the morning.  Maybe we'll go get brunch.

(Mallory turns to the camera and gives it a knowing wink.)

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: what's brunch?

Mallory Montana: What's brunch?! what the hell is this 'supper' you keep going on about!?

Cameraman Pete: OKAY! Now we can hit the road before you burn the only lead you have.

Mallory Montana: Sorry Steven.

Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents: s'okay.  i myself get passionate about niche meal practices.  i'd love to sit here and discuss it with you forever, but i've got a show to run and a very angry vampire that's ready to flash his sag card at any given inconvenience.  i'll show the two of you out.

Mallory Montana: It's literally four steps Steven.  We can find the door.

(With that, Mallory turns to the camera and mouths 'lets get out of here' one last time.  Pete obliges, backing out the door while keeping the tracking shot on Mallory.)

Mallory Montana: This concludes yet another Brunchtime Conspira-sea!  Next week we answer the hard hitting questions brought about by this series, like what the hell is 'supper'? who the hell knew Wrestleworld had a UHF station? why isn't Steven I'mgoingtokillyourparents a deathmatch wrestler? and most importantly of all what is the man behind the mandibles true identity?  Until next time.

(Mallory gives a cordial wave and a wink to the camera as she clears the studio's threshold to outside and walks out of shot.  The camera pans up to the towering antenna over the studio once more, this time catching a glimpse of a shadowy figure beneath it as lightning hits the tower and reveals the nightmarish image of Pinchy's crouching gargoyle like figure.)

Cameraman Pete: Mallory!  Look!

(Mallory walks back into frame and glances up at the antenna as the lightning flashes once more, revealing no one there.)

Mallory Montana: That is pretty I suppose.

Cameraman Pete: No! Pinchy was there just a second ago, I swear!

Mallory Montana: Maybe you should quit worrying about Steven getting rest and get some for yourself? You've been looking through that camera lens for too long.  You're beginning to see what you want to see.

Cameraman Pete: But I swear to you-

(The camera cuts to black)